If you're a parent, you get plenty of suggestions on how to raise your child. From experts to other parents, people are always ready to offer advice. Parenting tips, parents' survival guides, dos, don'ts, shoulds and shouldn'ts - new ones come out daily.

The truth is there is more than one "right" way to be a good parent. Good parenting includes

• Keeping your child safe
• Showing affection and listening to your child
• Providing order and consistency
• Setting and enforcing limits
• Spending time with your child
• Monitoring your child's friendships and activities
• Leading by example

Parents have an important job. Raising kids is both rewarding and challenging. You’re likely to get a lot of advice along the way, from doctors, family, friends, and even strangers. But every parent and child is unique. Being sensitive and responsive to your kids can help you build positive, healthy relationships together.

“Being a sensitive parent and responding to your kids cuts across all areas of parenting,” says Arizona State University’s Dr. Keith Crnic, a parent-child relationship expert. “What it means is recognizing what your child needs in the moment and providing that in an effective way.”

This can be especially critical for infants and toddlers, he adds. Strong emotional bonds often develop through sensitive, responsive, and consistent parenting in the first years of life. For instance, holding your baby lovingly and responding to their cries helps build strong bonds.

Building Bonds

Strong emotional bonds help children learn how to manage their own feelings and behaviors and develop self-confidence. They help create a safe base from which they can explore, learn, and relate to others.

Experts call this type of strong connection between children and their caregivers “secure attachment.” Securely attached children are more likely to be able to cope with challenges like poverty, family instability, parental stress, and depression.

A recent analysis shows that about 6 out of 10 children in the U.S. develop secure attachments to their parents. The 4 out of 10 kids who lack such bonds may avoid their parents when they are upset or resist their parents if they cause them more distress. Studies suggest that this can make kids more prone to serious behavior problems. Researchers have been testing programs to help parents develop behaviors that encourage secure attachment.

Being Available

Modern life is full of things that can influence your ability to be sensitive and responsive to your child. These include competing priorities, extra work, lack of sleep, and things like mobile devices. Some experts are concerned about the effects that distracted parenting may have on emotional bonding and children’s language development, social interaction, and safety.

If parents are inconsistently available, kids can get distressed and feel hurt, rejected, or ignored. They may have more emotional outbursts and feel alone. They may even stop trying to compete for their parent’s attention and start to lose emotional connections to their parents.

“There are times when kids really do need your attention and want your recognition,” Crnic explains. Parents need to communicate that their kids are valuable and important, and children need to know that parents care what they’re doing, he says.

It can be tough to respond with sensitivity during tantrums, arguments, or other challenging times with your kids. “If parents respond by being irritable or aggressive themselves, children can mimic that behavior, and a negative cycle then continues to escalate,” explains Dr. Carol Metzler, who studies parenting at the Oregon Research Institute.

According to Crnic, kids start to regulate their own emotions and behavior around age three. Up until then, they depend more on you to help them regulate their emotions, whether to calm them or help get them excited. “They’re watching you to see how you do it and listening to how you talk to them about it,” he explains. “Parents need to be good self-regulators. You’re not only trying to regulate your own emotions in the moment, but helping your child learn to manage their emotions and behavior.”

As kids become better at managing their feelings and behavior, it’s important to help them develop coping skills, like active problem solving. Such skills can help them feel confident in handling what comes their way.

“When parents engage positively with their children, teaching them the behaviors and skills that they need to cope with the world, children learn to follow rules and regulate their own feelings,” Metzler says.

“As parents, we try really hard to protect our kids from the experience of bad things,” Crnic explains. “But if you protect them all the time and they are not in situations where they deal with difficult or adverse circumstances, they aren’t able to develop healthy coping skills.”

He encourages you to allow your kids to have more of those experiences and then help them learn how to solve the problems that emerge. Talk through the situation and their feelings. Then work with them to find solutions to put into practice.

Meeting Needs

As children grow up, it’s important to remember that giving them what they need doesn’t mean giving them everything they want. “These two things are very different,” Crnic explains. “Really hone in on exactly what’s going on with your kid in the moment. This is an incredibly important parenting skill and it’s linked to so many great outcomes for kids.”

Think about where a child is in life and what skills they need to learn at that time. Perhaps they need help managing emotions, learning how to behave in a certain situation, thinking through a new task, or relating to friends.

“You want to help kids become confident,” Crnic says. “You don’t want to aim too high where they can’t get there or too low where they have already mastered the skill.” Another way to boost confidence while strengthening your relationship is to let your kid take the lead.

“Make some time to spend with your child that isn’t highly directive, where your child leads the play,” advises Dr. John Bates, who studies children’s behavior problems at Indiana University Bloomington. “Kids come to expect it and they love it, and it really improves the relationship.”

Bates also encourages parents to focus on their child’s actual needs instead of sticking to any specific parenting principles.

It’s never too late to start building a healthier, more positive relationship with your child, even if things have gotten strained and stressful. “Most importantly, make sure that your child knows that you love them and are on their side,” Metzler says. “For older children, let them know that you are genuinely committed to building a stronger relationship with them and helping them be successful.”

By being a sensitive and responsive parent, you can help set your kids on a positive path, teach them self-control, reduce the likelihood of troublesome behaviors, and build a warm, caring parent-child relationship.

Tips for Connecting with Your Kids

• Catch kids showing good behavior and offer specific praise.
• Give children meaningful jobs at home and positive recognition afterward. Don’t be overly critical; instead, help them improve their skills one step at a time.
• Use kind words, tones, and gestures when giving instructions or making requests.
• Spend some time every day in warm, positive, loving interaction with your kids. Look for opportunities to spend time as a family, like taking after-dinner walks or reading books together.
• Brainstorm solutions to problems at home or school together.
• Set rules for yourself for mobile device use and other distractions. For instance, check your phone after your child goes to bed.
• Ask about your child’s concerns, worries, goals, and ideas.
• Participate in activities that your child enjoys. Help out with and attend their events, games, activities, and performances.

Good communication between you and your child is important for developing a positive relationship. As your child gets older, good communication will make it easier for you to talk to him about things like alcohol and drugs. Good communication with your child can start early. Two skills that are helpful for good communication with toddlers and preschoolers are praise and active listening. You will learn more about these skills in this section.

Responding to Behavior

Discover more about positive and negative attention and how to use praise, imitation, and description

Special Playtime

Learn how special playtime can improve your communication with your child

Active Listening

Find out more about active listening and how to use reflection

Answers from Experts

See answers to common parenting questions about communicating with your child

Quick Tips

Check out these tips for communicating with your child

Attention from you and other caregivers is important to your child. In fact, toddlers and preschoolers demand A LOT of adult attention. Attention can be both positive and negative.

Positive Attention

Positive attention is used to show your child he has done something you like. Positive attention includes things like:

• praise
• hugs
• kisses
• pats on the back
• high-fives

Negative Attention

Negative attention lets your child know you do not like what he has done. Negative attention includes things like

• scolding
• correcting
• yelling

There are two key things to remember about attention:

• Any attention (positive or negative) your child receives right after his behavior increases the chance that the behavior will happen again.
• Negative attention becomes a problem when we use it MORE than positive attention.

Let’s take a look at an example

Example:
You are in the check-out line at the grocery store with your child.

Example: Positive Attention

If your child waits by your side, you might say, “Thank you for being patient and staying by me.”

Example: Negative Attention

If your child runs away, you yell at him, “Come back here, now!”

When to Not Give Attention

Any attention you give after your child’s behavior makes the behavior more likely to happen again. So, if you give your child attention after he does something you do not like, the misbehavior can increase.

You can decrease misbehavior by limiting the negative attention you give. Ignoring is another good way to limit attention for behaviors you do not like.

Active listening is a good way to improve your communication with your child. It lets your child know you are interested in what she has to say.

To practice active listening:

• give your full attention to your child
• make eye contact and stop other things you are doing
• get down on your child’s level
• and reflect or repeat back what she is saying and what she may be feeling to make sure you understand

It can be tempting to brush off our children’s problems, especially if we have had a bad day or if we are busy. But our children need to know that we are going to listen to them. This will make it more likely our children will talk with us about their hopes and problems when they are older. Here is an example.

Active Listening Example 1

Your child’s baseball game is at 6:00. You only have a short time to make dinner, help with homework, and get everyone ready for the game. While the kids play, you quickly start making dinner. Soon, you hear your son crying. He comes and tells you that his brother hit him and called him a bad name. You are tempted to keep making dinner while nodding your head at what your child is saying, but then you decide to show him you are actively listening. You stop what you are doing, turn to him, make eye contact, and summarize what he has told you and how he seems to be feeling. You say, “It sounds like your brother made you feel sad when he hit you and said mean things.” By doing this, you have let your child know that he has your full attention. He knows that his emotions and feelings are important to you.

Sometimes a child who is upset may not be able to name the emotion she is feeling. Active listening can be a great way to help her. Here is an example:

Active Listening Example 2

You pick up your daughter from preschool. She is crying and tells you that her friend took her favorite toy and stuck out his tongue at her. You show her that you are actively listening when you say, “It seems like you are sad about your friend taking your favorite toy.” Your daughter continues to cry and nods her head. She says that she thinks her friend will break the toy. You show her that you are still actively listening by saying, “So you are scared that your friend might break your toy.” At this time, your daughter calms down a bit. You and your daughter continue to talk, and she knows that it is okay to be upset. She has begun to learn how to label and cope with her feelings by talking to someone.

Using Reflections to Show You’re Listening

Reflection is one way for you to show you are actively listening to your child. You can do this by repeating back what your child has said or by labeling and summing up how you think he feels.

Reflections of Words

When you reflect your child’s words, you are giving attention to him for his use of words. This increases the chance that your child will talk more because he wants your attention. You don’t have to repeat exactly what your child said but what you say is usually very similar. You can add detail, shorten, or correct what your child has said. Here is an example:

Reflection Example

Child: “I drawed some sghetti.”

Parent Response: “You drew some long spaghetti.”

In this example, the parent corrects the grammar, pronounces “spaghetti” for the child, and adds detail by describing the spaghetti as “long”.

Reflection of Emotions

When you reflect your child’s emotions, you watch your child’s behavior and describe the emotions he seems to be having. This gives your child a word for the emotion and helps him learn that it is ok to talk about feelings. Reflection of emotions is not always easy. Here are some tips to make it easier:

• Take a guess even if you are unsure.
  There may be times when you are unsure what your child is feeling. For example, your child may be crying but you may not know if he is angry, scared, or sad. Let him know that you are paying attention by saying, “It seems like you are upset or “It sounds/looks like something is bothering you”. Your child may not know himself what he is feeling and by talking you can figure it out together.
• Words aren’t needed all the time.
  You can let your child know you are paying attention to how she feels by what you do even if you don’t say anything. You can just sit with your child while she is upset or stay physically close and hold or comfort her.
• You don’t always have to agree.
  Sometimes it is difficult to summarize or label your child’s feelings because you think he should be responding in a different way. Telling your child to stop feeling a particular way does not show your child you are trying to understand how he feels. Help him deal with and understand his feelings, by talking with your child about his feelings.
• Talk about other feelings.
  Children may have several emotions at the same time. For example, your child might feel sad and afraid at the same time. Show your child you care about what she is showing on the outside and may be feeling on the inside by talking about all the feelings.
• Don’t worry about getting it wrong.
  Sometimes when parents are learning active listening skills, they worry that they will incorrectly summarize and label their child’s feelings. You should not worry. Children usually correct their parents if their feelings are described incorrectly. If your child corrects you, try again. Reflect what he has said to you, and expand on it to give him more words and to learn ways to describe his feelings.

Praise

Praise happens when you give positive attention to your child for good behavior.

Why is Praise a good tool to use?

Praise lets your child know what behaviors you like. When you praise behaviors you like, your child will do those behaviors more often. Praise can also help your child feel good about herself.

What type of Praise works best?

Specific praise works best because your child knows exactly what you like. This type of praise is called labeled praise. Unlabeled praise is a general statement that shows approval or affection. Unlabeled praise can help children feel good but does not help improve behavior. It doesn’t let your child know exactly what is liked.

Examples

Unlabeled Praise

• Great Job!
• Super!
• Way to go!

Labeled Praise

• What a great job of putting your toys away!
• You did a super job making your bed!
• Way to go sharing with your brother!

Imitation

You imitate your child’s behavior when you copy or mimic what she is doing. This means that you play with the same or a similar toy and attempt to use the toy like your child is using it.

Why is Imitation a good tool to use?

Any behavior you imitate is likely to be repeated by your child. When you imitate your child’s play, you show her you are paying attention and like what she is doing. Imitation can help a child feel good about herself and gives you a lot of chances to give positive attention.

Description

Descriptions occur when you talk about what your child is doing in as much detail as possible. You describe what your child is doing like a sports reporter might describe what is going on to someone who can’t see the action.

Why is Description a good tool to use?

Descriptions show your child you are interested in what he is doing and you are giving him your full attention. In this way, descriptions can help build self-esteem because it lets your child know you think what he is doing is interesting. Descriptions are also helpful in holding your child’s attention. This helps increase the length of time your child is able to stick to the task, which prepares your child for the focus he needs when he begins school.

Descriptions can encourage language development because your descriptions give your child words to describe something, which helps build vocabulary and they can help you teach your child. For example, you can teach your child how to count, or name colors by using descriptions.

Example

Using description during playtime

“You’re looking at all the pieces and trying to decide which one you want. Oh, you decided to put a green cowboy hat on the potato. Nice job getting the hat on. Now he has a mustache. You picked the green glasses that match the green hat. Those glasses are tough to put on, and I like how hard you are trying. I am glad you stuck with it and you got those glasses on his face.”

Special playtime is a chance for you to focus on your child’s good behaviors and build a strong, nurturing relationship. You can use the time to actively listen and practice praising, imitating, and describing your child’s behavior. The more you practice the skills, the easier it is to use them in everyday situations.

Toys and Activities for Special Playtime

• Use toys or activities that encourage your child to be creative. Blocks, crayons, and paper are some toys and supplies that allow your child to use his imagination. If a toy moves and plays by itself, it is probably not a good idea to use it during special playtime.
• Use toys and activities that are safe for your child’s age. Child scissors, plastic pots and pans, and large plastic blocks are good choices for young children. Avoid toys with small detachable parts for very young children.
• Use toys and activities that are at the right skill level for your child. With young children, you may want to use larger blocks because they are easier for younger children to hold and put together.
• Make sure you have enough toys so you can play with your child. For example, you might want to have two dolls or trucks for special playtime so that you can easily imitate your child’s behavior.

Tips for Special Playtime

Try to spend at least 5-10 minutes each day playing with your child.
Begin with at least five minutes of special playtime. When parents first start using praise, description, imitation, and active listening, they find that it takes a lot of energy and focus. It is hard to use the skills for more than five minutes. You can increase the amount of time you spend with your child in special playtime as your skill level improves. Other positive time with your child in addition to the special playtime is always good for you and your child. For instance, reading before bed or cuddling when watching a favorite show are also important to building a positive relationship with your child.

Be consistent with special playtime.
Try to make special playtime with your child happen at the same time each day. You and your child will enjoy it more when you choose a time when you can focus on having fun, you are not distracted by other activities, and when the time is predictable. Even if your child has had a bad day, keep the special playtime. This time will give your child the chance to get praise and attention from you for good behavior. It is a great way to show your child that you always love him.

Allow your child to lead the play activity.
Young children are told what to do all day. They have few chances to take the lead. If they are given time each day when they get to know the most about the activity and make the decisions, it will help them feel more independent and build confidence.

Praise your child’s good behaviors.
Let your child know what you like about what she is doing. When you praise behaviors you like, your child will do those behaviors more often. Make the praise specific, so your child knows exactly what you like. Use hugs, high-fives, a pat on the head, or a pat on the back to give more power to your praise. Click here for more information on using praise.

Imitate your child’s behavior.
Copy or mimic things your child does or things she says. Play with the same or a similar toy and attempt to use the toy like your child is using it. When you imitate your child’s behavior, your child will do those behaviors more often. Click here for more information on using imitation.

Describe what your child is doing.
Talk in as much detail as possible about what your child is doing. This is similar to the way a sports reporter or commentator might describe what is going on to someone who can’t see the action. This shows your child you are interested in what she is doing and giving her your full attention. Click here for more information on using descriptions.

Be enthusiastic.
Show your child you are excited to play with him. If you are unsure how to show enthusiasm, think about how your child reacts when he gets a new toy that he really likes. You want to act that way. Enthusiasm lets your child know you are enjoying your time with him. When you have fun, he’ll have fun too.

Reflect your child’s words and emotions.
Reflect or repeat back what your child says. Watch her behavior and reflect what you think she is feeling. When you reflect your child’s words and feelings, you show her you are actively listening and help her understand and deal with her feelings. Click here for more information on active listening.

Limit questions during special playtime.
When you ask your child something and expect a response, you are asking a question. Your child is asked many questions throughout his day like, “How was school, how old are you, and what are you doing over there?” When we ask questions, we lead the conversation. Our questions may also suggest that we are not really paying attention or that we disagree with what our child is doing. For example, asking, “Wouldn’t you rather play with the blocks?” suggests you do not want to play with the toy your child has chosen. Asking “Why are you doing that?” suggests that your child is doing something wrong.

Limit directions during special playtime.
Directions tell your child what to do or guide her activities. Directions can be obvious requests such as “hand me that crayon” or less obvious requests such as “how about using the pink now?” Directions take the lead away from your child. Remember, the child should be in the lead during special playtime. If the child does what you tell her to do, she is not making the decisions about the special playtime activity. And if the child disobeys, conflict may occur. We want special playtime to be positive for the parent and the child.

Limit criticisms during special playtime.
Criticisms show you do not approve of something your child is doing. Criticisms often include words like “No,” “Don’t,” “Stop,” “Quit,” and “Not.” For example, you might say to your child, who is using a blue crayon and describes it as purple: “That’s not blue. You are using a purple crayon.” Criticism can also be much more obvious: “That was a dumb thing to do” or “You sure sound ugly when you whine like that.” If children are criticized often, it can cause self-esteem problems. Criticism does not help to reduce problem behaviors. There are many times during the day when you need to use the words, “Stop,” “No,” and “Don’t.” This is okay. Avoiding these words during special playtime, helps you and your child have time to focus more on the positive.

Ignore minor misbehaviors during special playtime.
Ignore minor challenging behaviors like whining that happen during special playtime. If your child is doing something dangerous or destructive, stop the behavior immediately and use a consequence like distraction or removal of a privilege. Click here for information on Using Discipline and Consequences. Remember that giving attention after any behavior will cause that behavior to happen more often. When you limit the attention you give to your child after misbehaviors, you can decrease the chance it will happen again.

Q: My son does not seem to respond well to praise. If I praise him for doing something good, like putting his toys away, he starts throwing his toys. Why is he acting like this?

A: It is true that some children will actually misbehave after being praised. There are two reasons for this. First, your child may be looking for more attention. If you yell at or scold him for throwing his toys, you are giving him a form of attention called negative attention. Sometimes kids find negative attention like yelling or scolding better than no attention. Your child may also act up after being praised because he does not know how else to respond. He may need time to get used to it. The important thing is that you continue praising him for behaviors you would like to see more often. Ignore the challenging behaviors when you can. Never put your child in danger when ignoring. Always stop behaviors that are dangerous or destructive immediately and use a discipline method of your choice.

Q: Why is praise necessary? I don’t think I should praise my daughter for things she should do anyway like putting away her toys when she’s finished playing. Is praising her for every little thing really that important?

A: Most people would probably agree that children don’t need to be praised for everything. But your child cannot read your mind. Praise helps your child learn what behaviors you like and expect her to do again. When teaching a new behavior, praise it A LOT at first and then reduce how often you praise the behavior over time. It is helpful to think of praise as a reminder. Preschoolers and toddlers need constant reminders at first about the behaviors you expect but fewer reminders over time. You might praise a behavior once a day, then once a week, and perhaps not at all once the behavior becomes a habit. If your child “forgets” and stops putting her toys away, you can praise that behavior again to encourage her to do it. You should notice that the behavior picks back up after you praise it.

Q: I’m trying to praise my child more often. Now that I am paying more attention, I have noticed that there are LOTS of good behaviors. This makes it hard for me to know which ones I should praise. Should I praise many behaviors or just pick one behavior at a time?

A: Parents often have one of two problems: their child has A LOT of behaviors to praise or they feel like there are NO behaviors to praise. Either way, the goal is to pick out behaviors that you want to see more often and praise them. If your child is doing lots of good things, pick one behavior that you want to see even more and praise it often. If your child is not doing something you can praise, you may need to first teach him the behavior. For example, if you want your child to sit in his chair at dinner, you could put him in the chair and then praise him for sitting. Eventually, you would only praise him when he sits in the chair by himself.

Q: My child’s behavior is out of control. She does not do anything that I can praise. What should I do?

A: If your child has a lot of challenging behaviors or seems to be acting up just to get attention, it may be hard to find behaviors to praise. In times like these, it is often helpful to praise simple behaviors, such as walking beside you at the grocery store or playing quietly by themselves.

Another way to find behaviors to praise is to think about the opposite of the challenging behavior. To do this, make a list of your child’s problem behaviors and then think about the opposite of each behavior or what you would like for your child to do instead. Whenever you see your child doing the opposite behavior or when you catch your child being good, praise her. By praising the good behavior, you are letting your child know what you like them to do instead of telling them what NOT to do. For example, your child may have a problem with running in the house. You have told her several times not to run. In other words, you have told your child what not to do. Now, think in opposites. Tell your child what you want her to do. Since walking is the opposite of running, praise your child whenever you see her walking. She will eventually learn that she gets praised for walking and not for running and this positive behavior will occur more often.

When you catch your child being good and doing things you like, praise the behaviors often. When the behavior starts happening more, you can decrease how often you praise.

Q: With everything that I have going on, it is really hard to set aside special time with my son. We usually get to play together on the weekends, but the weekdays are just too busy. I feel guilty about this, but I don’t know what else to do. How can I spend more time with my child?

A: Being a parent is one of the toughest but most important jobs we have. Sometimes it may seem like parenting is all about making sure our children are fed, clean, clothed, and doing the right things. Spending one-on-one time with your child is especially difficult if you do not have support from a spouse, partner, or family or if you have more than one child. Sometimes we have to be creative to make this happen. Maybe you can’t play with your child for 30 minutes each day, but what about 5 or 10 minutes? Doing things like reading together creates opportunities for you and your child to spend time enjoying each other while also strengthening their vocabulary, knowledge, and understanding of their world. If you have multiple children, you can do a “family reading time” where the children practice taking turns.

Q: Children’s problems are not that big of a deal. They just need to learn to let things go and they will be happier. Why is active listening important for the little problems toddlers and preschoolers have?

A: It is sometimes tempting to brush off our children’s problems. This is especially true if we have had a bad day, are busy, or the same problems keep coming up. But children need to know that we are going to listen to them. Active listening shows our child we care about her feelings, understand her needs, and accept how she feels. If we constantly dismiss our child and her problems, she is not going to come to us when she is older and needs to make important choices about things like alcohol, drugs, and sexual behaviors. Active listening in childhood helps build open and positive communication throughout our children’s lives and sets the stage for the important conversations that will happen later in life.

Q: I find it hard to actively listen to my child because he is really sensitive. I do not think he should cry or respond in the ways that he does. How can I be a good listener and know what to say to him?

A: You don’t always have to agree with your child’s feelings. When you are actively listening, your role is to reflect or repeat back to your child how you think he is feeling. This lets your child know you care and are interested in hearing about his feelings. If you do not agree with what he is feeling, you can say things like “I see”, “I hear you”, or “Uh-huh.” When we tell our child to stop feeling a certain way or to stop worrying, we are not helping him learn how to deal with his feelings. Sometimes children cry because that is the only way they know to show someone they are unhappy. When you help your child label his feelings, you also provide him with ways to deal with the emotions. If your child’s feelings are hurt, you can acknowledge the sadness and hurt feelings and let him know that sometimes it is helpful to tell the other person they hurt your feelings.

Three Main Keys to Communicating with your Child

1. Praise your child when she does something right. The more you praise a behavior, the more likely it is your child will behave the same way again.
2. Pay attention to your child when he is talking to you or trying to communicate with you. Giving him your full attention will help you understand what he is telling you. It will also make him feel like you care about what he has to say.
3. Set aside time each day to talk and play with your child. Creating a special time lets your child know she is important. It also strengthens the bond between the two of you.

Responding to Behavior

Giving your child positive attention for good behavior can boost his self-esteem, improve your relationship, and help your child understand the behaviors you like and want to see more often. See tips for responding to your child’s behavior using praise, imitation, and description.

Praise

• Praise means giving attention to your child for something he has done that you like.
• Praise should be as specific as possible.
• Use labeled praise to tell your child exactly what you like (examples below).

• Sometimes labeled praise is best when it is not expected. If your child is playing quietly in the living room while you are cooking dinner, take the time to let him know you like it. You might say, “It’s so nice when you are playing quietly all by yourself while I am trying to cook dinner!” This will send a message to your child that you are paying attention.

• Hugs, high-fives, a pat on the head, or a pat on the back along with a labeled praise can give more power to your praise.
• Some parents notice their child’s behavior gets worse when being praised. Click here to get some ideas from parenting experts about how to address this issue.
• Some parents find it difficult to find things to praise about their child’s behavior. Click here to learn some ways to address this issue from parenting experts.

Imitation

• Imitation happens when you copy or mimic things your child does.
• Imitation is when you play with the same or a similar toy and copy the way your child is playing with it.
• Any behavior that is imitated by you is likely to be repeated by your child, so carefully choose which behaviors to imitate.
• Match your actions to your child’s activity. Try not to do it better or faster, which could discourage your child and make her feel bad about herself.
• Whatever you imitate will likely occur again. It is best to model or demonstrate positive or appropriate behaviors.
• If you imitate behavior or words that are not appropriate, your child is more likely to say or do those things again. Inappropriate behaviors and words can be ignored if they are not dangerous for her or anyone else or destructive. If your child is doing something that is dangerous or destructive, stop those behaviors immediately.

Description

• Description involves giving attention to good behavior and talking about what your child is doing.
• When you use description, you describe your child’s activities as a sports reporter or commentator would describe it. You provide a lot of detail so that someone who is listening but not watching would know what your child is doing.
• Focus on describing your child’s good behaviors. If you describe misbehavior, your attention will likely cause those behaviors to happen more often.

Click here for additional information about Responding to Behavior.

Active Listening

When parents actively listen to their children, they show that they care and are trying to understand how the child feels about what is happening. Reflection is one way for you to show that you are actively listening to your child.

Reflection of what your child says:

• Repeat out loud what your child says. You can extend, add to, shorten, or correct what your child says.

Example

Your child says:

“I drawed some sghetti!”

You say:

“You drew some spaghetti.” (grammar and pronunciation correction)

OR

“You drew some long spaghetti.” (grammar and pronunciation correction with elaboration)

Reflection of your child’s feelings:

• Notice how your child feels about something and describe the feelings with words.

Example

Your child is:

Crying / Seems sad

You say:

“I can see that you’re upset.”

• Reflection of emotions is not always easy. Here are some tips to make it easier.
• • • Take a guess even if you are unsure.
    • Words aren’t needed all the time.
    • You don’t always have to agree.
    • Talk about other feelings.

Special Playtime

Special playtime is time you spend with your child when you focus on the positive things your child does. Special time with your child is important in building a nurturing relationship. Keep the following in mind during special playtime:

• Try to make special playtime at the same time each day and have it at a time when you can focus only on your child.
• Try to spend at least 5-10 minutes each day on special playtime.
• Let your child lead the play.
• Praise your child’s good behaviors.
• Imitate your child’s behavior.
• Describe what your child is doing.
• Reflect your child’s words and emotions.
• Be enthusiastic.
• Limit questions and commands during special playtime, as they take the lead away from your child.
• Try to stay positive and avoid criticisms during special playtime.
• Ignore minor misbehaviors during special playtime.
• Have fun and be silly!

Does your child have meltdowns when you change from one activity to another? Do you have trouble getting your child to follow a regular schedule? Consistent routines and rules help create order and structure your day. Things go more smoothly when you and your child know what to expect.

Building Structure

Find out how to build structure and see examples of family routines

Creating Rules

Discover how consistency, predictability, and follow-through help create rules

Steps for Creating Family Rules

Learn the four steps to creating rules for your family

Answers from Experts

See answers to common parenting questions about creating structure and rules for your child

Quick Tips

Check out these tips for creating structure and rules for your child

It’s normal for young children to test the limits. That’s how they learn what is right and wrong. But, it can be frustrating and really test our patience as parents! One way to keep control and help children learn is to create structure. Structure is created by consistent routines and rules. Rules teach children what behaviors are okay and not okay. Routines teach children what to expect throughout the day.

Three key ingredients to building structure in the home:

1. Consistency
2. Predictability
3. Follow-through

What are these and how can you use them in your family?

Consistency – doing the same thing every time

Consistency means that you respond to your child’s behavior the same way every time no matter what is going on or how you’re feeling. Misbehaviors are less likely to occur again if you always use the same consequence, like ignoring or time-out. Good behaviors are likely to be repeated if you let your child know you like them. This doesn’t mean that you need to give consistent attention to ALL of your child’s behaviors. Think about something you want your child to do more often. This could be sharing, cleaning up, or following directions. To increase those behaviors, praise them each time you see them occur. Your consistent response will help those behaviors happen more often.

Examples

Example 1: You use time-out at home and at the grocery store every time your child hits her sister. You do this even when you are tired from a stressful day at work.

Example 2: You praise your child each time he shares with a new friend while playing. You do this even if you are busy with something else and need to make a special effort to praise him.

Predictability – expecting or knowing what is going to happen

Predictability means your child knows what will happen and how you will respond. When your daily routines are predictable, your child knows what to expect for the day. When your rules are predictable, your child knows how you will react to her behavior.

Examples

Example 1: Your child knows that if she hits a friend while playing, she will go to time-out every time.

Example 2: Your child knows certain steps are followed each night at bedtime, such as taking a bath, brushing teeth, reading a story, getting into bed, and turning off the lights.

Follow-through – enforcing the consequence

Following through means that you do what you say you will do in response to your child’s behaviors. This is often called the “say what you mean and mean what you say.” If you tell your child a behavior will be punished, you punish it every time it happens. If you tell your child he will be rewarded for a behavior, you give him the reward after he has done what you asked. To be consistent and predictable, we need to follow through. Follow-through is important for ALL behaviors. This includes behaviors we like and don’t like.

Examples

Example 1: Your child does not follow your direction, and you give a warning that he will lose playtime if he doesn’t follow your direction. Your child still doesn’t do what you directed. He loses playtime.

Example 2: If you promise your child a treat for staying in the shopping cart in the grocery store, your child knows he will get a treat from the candy or toy machine on the way out of the store.

How do consistency, predictability, and follow-through help create structure?

A structure that helps your child learn to behave has routines and rules that are consistent, predictable, and have follow through. There is a basic routine you follow and rules you live by on most days of the week. You set appropriate expectations and limits for your child’s behaviors. Your child learns how you are going to respond to behaviors that are okay or not okay.

Structure helps parents and their kids. Kids feel safe and secure because they know what to expect. Parents feel confident because they know how to respond, and they respond the same way each time. Routines and rules help structure the home and make life more predictable.

When can you start creating structure with routines and rules?

Creating structure at any age can help your child and you. Children can begin learning routines and rules at a very young age. You can begin with routines for important activities of the day, like meals, bedtime, or in the morning.

Examples of Family Routines

Listed below are examples of routines and daily schedules of parents with toddlers and preschoolers. Some parents find it helpful to have extremely detailed schedules. Others find it helpful to have a general idea of the activities of the day. You can decide what will work best for you and your family.

Family with a 3 and a half-year-old

Daily schedule

• Wake up around 6:20 a.m.
• Get out of bed by 6:30 a.m.
• Potty, get dressed, brush teeth, and leave by 6:50 a.m.
• Eat breakfast or a snack in the car
• Pick up from daycare around 4:00 p.m.
• Play time from 4:00 p.m. – 5:00 p.m.
• Prepare dinner around 5:00 p.m., eat around 5:45 p.m.
• Bath time around 6:30 p.m.
• Read or do something together, like a game or art project, around 7:00 p.m.
• Potty, brush teeth, and then to bed by 8:00 p.m.
• Read story and quiet/asleep by 8:30 p.m.

Family with 3 kids, twins age 4 and 2-year-old

Daily schedule

• Wake up at 7:00 a.m. and have milk
• Cartoons until breakfast at 8:00 a.m.
• Get dressed for the day
• Snack at 10:00 a.m.
• Lunch at noon followed by nap at 12:30 p.m.
• Dinner at 5:30 p.m.
• Bath at 6:00 p.m., followed by a story and a few songs in bedroom
• Lights off by 6:45 or 7:00 p.m.

• Prepare dinner around 5:00 p.m., eat around 5:45 p.m.
• Bath time around 6:30 p.m.
• Read or do something together, like a game or art project, around 7:00 p.m.
• Potty, brush teeth, and then to bed by 8:00 p.m.
• Read story and quiet/asleep by 8:30 p.m.

Family with 2 kids, a 17-month-old and 3-year-old

Preschool days

• 7:30 – 8:00: get kids out of bed
• 8:00: eat breakfast – no screen time
• 8:15: get kids dressed for preschool, brush teeth and hair, and play until 8:35
• 8:40: leave house for preschool
• 12:00: pick up kids from preschool
• 12:20: lunch and a book before nap
• 1:00: nap time (plan the afternoon during this time including starting dinner)
• 3:30 – 4:00: get up from nap and have a snack
• 4:00 – 5:15: play
• 5:30: watch a television show while parents cook/finishes dinner
• 6:00 – 6:15: dinner
• 6:30: bath time, brush teeth, and get pajamas on
• 7:00: do something fun together letting children lead
• 7:15: book and cuddle time
• 7:30 – 7:45: lights out

Non-preschool days:

• 8:00: get kids out of bed
• 8:30: eat breakfast
• 9:00 – 10:00: kids play inside or watch television while parents get ready for the day
• 10:15: get kids dressed and ready for any activities for the day
• 10:30: snack on the way to activity
• 10:30 – 12:15: activity
• 12:30: lunch
• 1:00: naptime
• 3:30 – 4:00: get up from nap and have a snack
• 4:00 – 5:15: play
• 5:30: watch a television show while parents cook/finishes dinner
• 6:00 – 6:15: dinner
• 6:30: bath time, brush teeth, and get pajamas on
• 7:00: do something fun together letting children lead
• 7:15: book and cuddle time
• 7:30-7:45: lights out

Family rules help create structure. A family rule is a specific, clear statement about behaviors you expect from your child. Rules work best when there is consistency, predictability, and follow-through.

Why are family rules important?

Family rules help children understand what behaviors are okay and not okay. As children grow, they will be in places where they have to follow rules. Following rules at home can help children learn to follow rules in other places. It is normal for children to break rules and test limits. Consistent follow through with consequences when rules are broken help your child have a clear understanding about the importance of rules. Remember, young kids sometimes break rules because they simply forget. Not all broken rules occur because kids are testing the limits. But, our responses should be the same no matter what the reason for breaking the rule.

Why should all family members know and follow the rules?

For family rules to work well, everyone needs to know, understand, and follow the rules. By doing this, children don’t get mixed messages about what is okay or not okay. For example, you know screen time should be limited for young children and you want dinner time to be family time so you set a family rule that no screens are allowed during dinner time. If another caregiver checks their phone during dinner, your child may be confused. Your child’s behavior will be better if all caregivers support the rules in the same way. This is true for parents, grandparents, or any other caregivers in your child’s life.

How can all family members get on the same page about rules?

There are several steps that can help all family members be consistent. Parents or caregivers can:

• talk about what rules would help their family and agree which ones to set
• post the rules in the house so everyone can know them
• talk with other adults who care for their children about the rules to make sure everyone knows what is allowed and not allowed
• ask all caregivers to be consistent in monitoring and enforcing the rules
• remind children about the rules by repeating and posting them in the home

What is a good number of family rules for toddlers and preschoolers?

The number of rules you set depends on your child’s ability to understand and remember. It is also hard for parents to consistently enforce lots of new rules. For young children, focus on only two or three of the most important rules at any one time. As your child learns a rule and is following it consistently, you can add new rules.

Steps for Creating Family Rules

Family rules help create structure because children know what behaviors are okay and which ones are not okay. The steps for creating family rules are below.

Step 1: Identify the family rules.

Identify and clearly define the rules. Toddlers and preschoolers can only learn and remember two to three rules at any one time. Try starting with one rule to give children a chance to learn how family rules work before others are added. Family rules should also be realistic and fit your child’s age. The rule should be something that your toddler and preschooler can obey.

Avoid vague rules, such as “be good.” “Be good” includes many different things and could be hard for a child to understand. A more specific rule would be “Talk to other how you would like them to talk to you.” Unacceptable behaviors should be stated as a clear and concrete rule, such as “No hurting others.” It is also important to state the acceptable or desired behavior immediately after the rule so your child knows what behavior you expect. For example, if you have told your child, “No hurting others,” you can follow that up with “You need to keep your hands and feet to yourself.”

Examples of common family rules:

• No hurting. Keep your hands and feet to yourself.
• No interrupting. Wait for your turn to speak.
• No yelling in the house. Use an inside voice when talking in the house.
• No climbing or jumping on furniture. Sit on the couch or lie down on the bed.

Step 2: Explain the rules.

Make sure your child knows and understands the rules. Check your child’s understanding by having her repeat the rule in her own words. For toddlers and preschoolers, you may need to help them understand what some words in the rule mean. For example, if the rule is “no hurting others,” you may need to describe what “hurting” means. When a child first hits, bites, or kicks someone, you may need to say, “Hitting is hurting. Our rule is no hurting. You should keep your hands to yourself.”

Toddlers and preschoolers need frequent reminders about the rules. Rules can be repeated often and you can place reminders, such as rules charts, in places where everyone can see them. Good locations to place rule charts include the refrigerator door or on another door that everyone uses.

The family rules chart should contain at least two columns: the rules and the consequences for breaking the rules. Pictures or visual cues can be used on charts for toddlers and preschoolers because they cannot read.

Step 3: Follow the rules.

All family members should follow the family rules, given they are “family” rules. Young children look to their parents to learn how to behave. For example, if you are respectful and listen to other adults, you can teach your child to listen to adults.

When you see your child following the rules, you can let her know you see her making good choices by providing a labeled praise. Labeled praise lets your child know exactly what she has done that you liked. The praise should occur as soon as you notice your child’s behavior. Praise should be used a lot when you create a new rule to help your child get used to this new expected behavior.

Step 4: Use consequences for not following the rules.

When family rules are always enforced, your child’s behavior and your relationship will be better. Family rules should receive an immediate response when broken. Consequences for breaking family rules should be clear to the parent and child. They are included on the rules chart as a reminder of what to expect. Consequences for broken family rules should be enforced immediately.

Q: Mealtimes always seem like such a struggle with my kids. It takes forever to get them to sit at the table. Once they are at the table, they are constantly hanging off their chairs or get up and roam around. What can I do to get my kids to sit down and actually eat their food?

A: This is a common problem with young children. Toddlers and preschoolers are usually very active, energetic, and curious about their surroundings. There are several things you can do to help improve your children’s behavior and make mealtime positive and fun. For example, you can have your children help out with making the meal or setting the table. When it’s time to eat, have the entire family sit down to eat. If an adult is up walking around, your children may be learning that walking around during dinner time is okay.

Remove all distractions. This includes the TV, cell phones, tablets, or other things that take away your child’s attention. Encourage conversation to keep your child focused on what is happening around the table. If possible, try to have dinner around the same time each night and establish a routine both before and after dinner. Predictability can help your children’s behavior improve because they will know what to expect each night.

Use of praise can also improve mealtime behavior. For example, if your children sit down for five seconds and take one bite, praise that. If your children are restless but still sitting and eating, praise that. The more praise you provide for the good mealtime behaviors, the more likely it is that your children will start sitting for longer amounts of time during the meal. If only one of your children is showing the correct behavior, praise that child. Often praising one child may result in better behavior from the other children because they want praise too. If your children get up, provide reminders about the expected behavior and give praise when they follow your directions.

Q: I don’t want to go to restaurants because my kids won’t sit and eat. They end up distracting everyone else in the restaurant. People look at me like I should control my children but I don’t know what to do.

A: Meals in restaurants are a little different than meals at home. At restaurants, your child has to sit longer and wait for the food to arrive. So, at home you want to remove distractions, but at restaurants distractions can be a good idea. Books, toys, or other things your child likes to play with can be used. Many restaurants provide coloring books and crayons for kids for this reason. If you establish good mealtime behavior at home, it will likely improve in restaurants too.

Q: My daughter refuses to go to sleep at bedtime. How can I help her relax and get to sleep?

A: Establishing a bedtime routine is very important. This routine includes what your child does before bed and where your child sleeps at night. It may be helpful for the routine to include things that help your child relax, such as reading a story. Once you decide on the activities for the routine, talk about it with your child. Some parents like to make the routine into a song and sing it with the child. For example, you can sing, “After you take a bath, we’re going to put your PJs on, brush your teeth, get you in your bed, read a story, and then it’s time for sleep!” Your child may try to push the limits and get a “few more minutes” of awake time before sleeping, but do not allow this. At the end of the routine, leave your child to sleep. By creating a bedtime routine and sticking with it consistently, your child knows exactly when and where she should be sleeping.

Q: My son does not like to wake up in the mornings. He is so slow to get ready. Sometimes it can take 30-45 minutes just to wake him up and get him dressed. I have to get myself ready to go to work on top of that. How can I help him be more independent and do some things by himself in the mornings?

A: There are a couple of things to consider with your son. First, ask yourself whether he’s getting enough sleep at night. He may need to go to sleep earlier to make mornings easier and better. Second, ask yourself whether he’s able to do what you are asking. We have to consider our child’s age and development when asking him to do things. Sometimes an inability to do something is confused with a refusal.

Finally, if you think your child is getting enough sleep and is able to do what you tell him to do, it may help to set a morning routine. When thinking about the routine, identify things that must be done in the morning. Also, think about what can be done the night before to help your morning routine go smoothly. For instance, you can save time by having your child take baths at night as opposed to in the morning and having his clothes already picked out. If your child refuses to follow the morning routine, a consequence should be used.

Q: Sometimes it’s hard to get my daughter to stop any activity. This is true especially if she is having fun. She screams and cries every time I tell her it’s time to stop playing so that we can do something else like take a bath. What can I do to keep her from getting upset but make her understand we need to do something else?

A: If you know a transition is coming, like you need to go to the grocery store or it’s almost time for dinner, give your child at least a 5-minute warning that she will need to stop what she is doing and do something else. You can also give another warning when 3 minutes are remaining and again when 1 minute is remaining. It’s important to remember that if children are engaged in something, especially if it’s fun, they will need a heads-up before moving to an activity that’s not so fun for them. Having a routine also helps make transitions easier for children.

Three Main Keys to Building Structure

1. Consistency – doing the same thing every time
2. Predictability – expecting or knowing what is going to happen
3. Follow-through – enforcing the consequence (“say what you mean and mean what you say”)

Creating Rules

Steps to creating routines/rules:

1. Identify the routines/rules.
2. For routines,
   • Identify important daily activities and decide the order they should happen.
   • Identify key times of the day when the activities should occur and make a routine.
   • Be sure the routine works for the whole family.
3. For rules,
   • Be as specific as possible.
   • Focus on specific behaviors. Avoid vague rules like “be good.”
   • Start with one or two rules and add new rules as needed. A large number of rules will be difficult to follow and enforce.
   • Rules should be realistic and fit your child’s age and development.

2. Explain the routines/rules.
   • Make sure your child knows what you want him to do and when you want him to do it. Talk to your child about the routines and rules and have him repeat them back to you.
   • Use simple charts with pictures to visually display the routines and rules.
   • Keep in mind that young children often need reminders about what to do. Rules can and should be repeated often. Reminders, like routine and rules charts, can be placed in locations where your child can see them.

3. Follow the routines/rules.
   • All family members should try to follow the routine and family rules.
   • Your child may not always want to follow the routine or rules, so provide reminders and support when needed to help him be successful.
   • If you’re tired or stressed, it may be difficult for you to follow the routine or enforce the rules, but try to stick with it as much as possible.

4. Use consequences.
   • Positive consequences like praise occur when you let your child know you like the way he follows the routine or rules.
   • Negative consequences like loss of a privilege, time-out, or removal from the situation occur when the routine is not followed or rules are broken.
   • The consequences for not following the routine or breaking the rules should be clear to you and your child and given immediately.

Keep in mind

• Be consistent with the routine and rules, and let your child know you expect them to be followed.
• Rules are consistently enforced, routines can be flexible. If the routine changes, let your child know about the change.
• Rules should be enforced the same way no matter who is caring for your child (including grandparents and babysitters) to provide a consistent message. Routines should also be consistent as much as possible.
• Always follow through with consequences for routines or rules that are not followed.

Do you sometimes feel like your child doesn’t listen? Do you get into power struggles when you want your child to do something? A positive relationship is your most important tool for getting your child to listen and follow directions. It is also important to give clear directions that fit your child’s age. Good directions can help reduce the chance that your child will forget or misunderstand what you’ve said. Good directions can help you have positive daily interactions with your child.

Why Are Good Directions Important?

Discover how giving good directions can prevent misbehaviors

Steps for Giving Directions

Learn how to give better directions in four steps

Answers from Experts

See answers to common parenting questions about giving directions to your child

Quick Tips

Check out these tips for giving your child directions

Toddlers and preschoolers are exploring and discovering their world. They are also learning about what is right and wrong. Below are explanations for why good directions are useful in many situations.

Good directions teach your child how to behave.

When you give good directions, you tell your child exactly what behaviors you expect. Instead of saying, “Stop it!”, “Quit!”, or “Don’t do that!”, tell your child exactly what you want him to do. For example, you might say, “Please walk instead of running in the house” or “Please sit so that I can put on your shoes.”

When you give your child choices with your directions, you also encourage his independence. For example, if you want your child to get dressed, you can give him two choices by saying, “Please put on the gray pants or the blue ones.”

Good directions are helpful when you need your child to do something specific or to stop your child from doing a misbehavior or something dangerous.

If your child is doing something harmful or dangerous, a good direction can stop the misbehavior. For example, if your child is standing in a chair, you can say, “Please sit with your bottom on the chair.” If your child is dangerously tipping the chair back, you can say, “Please keep the chair on the floor.”

Good directions can prevent misbehaviors.

Good directions can prevent misbehaviors. For example, if you see that your child is about to throw a toy, you can give him a direction to redirect his behavior. You might say, “Please put the toy on the floor gently.” The direction lets your child know what behavior you expect from him.

What if my child still does not follow my directions?

Anytime you give a direction, use consequences if your child does not listen. When you are first learning to give good directions, it is helpful to ask yourself if you have the time and energy to follow through with a consequence. For consequences to work, you need to follow through with the consequences each time.

Practice, Practice, Practice

Giving good directions is a skill that is not always easy and practice will help. Practice when you have time to follow through if your child does not listen. It will take some time for your child to learn that you mean what you say. It is perfectly normal for children not to follow directions some of the time. However, it is important to be prepared and have a plan for immediately following through with a consequence.

Giving good directions takes practice. Here are a few things to keep in mind.

Step 1: Get your child’s attention

Make sure your child hears and pays attention to your direction. This means that you will need to be close to your child and make eye contact. You may need to say your child’s name. It is sometimes helpful to bend over, squat, or sit next to your child so you are on the same level and face-to-face.

Step 2: Give the direction

Tell your child exactly what you want him to do. Here are some tips for giving good directions.

Be sure the direction fits your child’s age.

Make sure your child is able to do what you have told him to do. For example, a 2-year-old can take your hand before crossing the street, but he can’t mop the floor. Remember that inability is not the same as disobeying.

Tell your child exactly what behavior you want to see.

A good direction will clearly tell your child what you expect. The direction is specific and not stated as a question. While using the words “No”, “Don’t,” Quit,” or “Stop” are an everyday part of parenting, the direction only tells the child what not to do. This may stop the misbehavior momentarily, but it does not tell the child what behaviors are expected. To give good directions:

• Be specific.
  Avoid unclear directions like “be good” and “straighten up” because they can mean different things to different people. Let your child know exactly what behavior to do. If you are unsure what to say to stop a misbehavior, it may be helpful to think of the opposite of the misbehavior. Sometimes parents will just say the child’s name when giving a direction. For example, if your son, Jaden, is banging a toy on the table, you might say, “Jaden!” and expect him to stop banging and play with his toys nicely. To make this a good, specific direction, you might say, “Stop banging the table. Play nicely with your toy.”
• Make it a statement.
  Tell your child what to do rather than asking if he wants to do the activity. Questions give your child the option to say “yes” or “no”. If you want your direction followed avoid questions. For example, it is better to say “Put your toys away in the closet” than “Would you put your toys away in the closet?”
• Give one direction at a time.
  Toddlers and preschoolers have a very short attention span. If you tell your child to do more than one thing, he may not be able to remember all of the instructions. By giving one direction at a time, your child is more likely to remember and follow the direction, and you can praise your child more often .
• Give the direction in a neutral tone.
  If a child does not follow a direction immediately, parents will sometimes raise their voice and repeat the direction. This can send the message that the child does not need to follow the direction until the parent is yelling. To avoid this, provide directions in a neutral, firm voice with no yelling or pleading. If you consistently use a neutral tone and follow through with consequences when your child does not obey, your child will learn that you are serious the first time a direction is given.
• Be polite and respectful.
  One way to help your child learn good manners is for you to model good behaviors like being polite and respectful when giving directions. For example, you can start directions with the word “please.” When used consistently, the word please can serve as a signal to your child that a direction is about to come. Eye contact and using a calm voice to give the direction are other ways to model good manners.
• Use gestures.
  For toddlers and preschoolers, it is a good idea to use gestures along with directions so your child has a visual cue of what is expected. For example, if you say, “Please put the toys on the floor in your toy box,” you can point to the toys you want him to put away and then point to the toy box.
• Choose your words carefully.
  How parents word directions can affect who your child thinks needs to act. For instance, only use the word “let’s” in your direction if you plan to help your child. If you say, “Let’s put your toys away,” you should plan to help your child put the toys away. If you want your child to do as you directed, you can just say, “Please put your toys away.”
• Give your child choices when possible.
  Choices are a great way to develop your child’s independence and teach them decision-making skills. Directions with limited choices, like only two options, are best for young children. For example, if you want your daughter to get ready for school, you can give her a choice by saying “You can wear the yellow dress or the jogging suit. Please make a choice and put on your clothes now.” By offering choices, you are giving her the chance to make a decision about what she wants to wear, but you are still communicating that it is time to get dressed.
• Provide carefully timed explanations.
  Your child may ask “why” out of simple curiosity or because they want to delay having to listen. One way to avoid this problem is to provide an explanation before giving the direction. For example, “It’s time for us to go to the store. Please put on your shoes.” If your child still asks why, he is probably trying to delay doing what you have told him to do. You should ignore his question and follow through with the consequence if he does not put on his shoes.

Step 3: Check compliance

In this step, you will be checking to see whether your child complied, or did what you told him to do. Most children will respond within 5-10 seconds or within a short amount of time after you give the direction. If your child does what you told him to do, follow through with a positive consequence (see Step 4). If your child does not follow your direction within a short amount of time, remain calm, get the child’s attention, repeat the direction, check the child understands what you want him/her to do, and warn the child what consequence will follow if he/she does not do as told. If your child does not follow your direction within a short amount of time, remain calm and follow through with the negative consequence you warned him/her about (see Step 4). Determining if your child has followed your direction may not always be easy, even when directions are clear and fit the child’s age. Some examples are:

• Doing something slightly different.
  • Sometimes children respond to directions in a slightly different way than was expected by the parent. For example, a parent might tell a child to put his crayons in the closet, but the child puts his blocks in the closet instead. This is considered not following directions as long as you are sure that your child knows the difference between the crayons and the blocks.
• Dawdling or stalling.
  • Sometimes children do not immediately do what they are told. Instead they may say, “In a minute,” or they may tell you they are going to finish something else before following the direction. This type of behavior is referred to as dawdling and is an example of not following directions.
• Pretending not to hear.
  • Many children ignore a parent’s directions in an attempt to delay or avoid having to do what the parent has said. As long as you get your child’s attention and are sure that your child heard your instructions, the direction should only be repeated once along with a warning of the negative consequence that will follow if the child does not do as told. If your child does not respond within a short amount of time, the behavior should be considered not following directions.
• Following part of the direction.
  • Children sometimes follow through with part of a direction but not the entire direction. For example, you tell your child to put her toys away, and she puts her blocks away but leaves other toys out. If your child does only part of a direction, it is possible she needs to be taught what “put your toys away” means. In this example, you could say, “Good job of putting your blocks away. Now put the other toys away. Please put your puzzles in the toy box.” Continue in this way until the child understands that all of these things are toys.
• Following directions with a bad attitude.
  • Children may sometimes follow the direction but with a bad attitude. For example, you tell your daughter to put her toys away. She was enjoying playing with her toys, so she stomps across the room, picks up her toys, throws them in the toy box, and whines “I don’t want to put my toys away.” Even though she is following directions with a bad attitude, she is still doing what you told her to do. In this case, you can ignore the bad attitude and let her know you like that she followed your direction. If having a good attitude is important to you, you can include that as part of the direction. For example, you could say, “Please put the toys away quietly.”
• Undoing.
  • Children sometimes test the limits by initially doing what the parent tells them to do and then undoing it. For example, you tell your son to put his toys in the toy box. Your son puts the toys away but then decides to pull two trucks back out of the box. If you have a child who will test the limits by undoing, provide really specific directions. You might tell your son, “Put all of the toys in the toy box and leave them in the box.”

Step 4: Add a consequence

Always follow through with consequences if your child does not follow directions. Consequences can be positive or negative. Positive consequences let your child know you are happy with his behavior. Labeled praises, hugs, or high fives are examples of positive consequences. Negative consequences are things you do after your child’s behavior to show you are not happy with the behavior. Examples of negative consequences include delay of a privilege and time-out.

If your child does not follow your direction, you can give him one warning and tell him what to expect for not following your direction. For example, you might say, “Pick up your toys or you won’t be able to play with them tomorrow.” If he does not follow your direction, follow through with the consequence immediately (e.g., locking the toy box). As your directions get better and your child learns to follow your directions, use warnings less often. Warnings and repeating directions teach your child he does not have to listen the first time you give a direction.

Q: My son only does about a third of what I ask him to do. I tell him to make his bed, pick up the toys, and put on his shoes before he comes downstairs. He’ll make his bed but then come downstairs without his shoes and with his room a mess. How can I get my child to listen to me and do what I ask him to do?

A: Many parents face this challenge. Keep in mind that toddlers and preschoolers have very short attention spans. When we tell them to do more than one thing at a time, they often cannot remember everything. It is likely that your child only remembers the first thing you tell him. In this case, you told him to make his bed first, which he did. He may have forgotten the rest. If you give him one direction at a time, it is more likely that he will listen to you and follow your directions.

Q: I sometimes feel like I am a drill sergeant. I’m always telling my child what to do and what not to do. I feel like I shouldn’t be correcting his behavior all the time and that I should accept that he is just a kid. Is this a common feeling among parents?

A: Parents often feel this way. When kids are in the toddler and preschool years, parents DO have to spend a lot of time correcting their children’s behaviors. It is common for parents to feel overwhelmed by how much teaching has to happen. Part of our job is setting limits on their behaviors early so that they learn to listen and respect rules and directions. This is how we begin sharing our values and teaching them right from wrong. It is also okay to allow your child choices at times. Pick your battles and understand that you do not have to make all of the decisions. Your child may make mistakes but that is okay too. Children learn from mistakes like they learn from what we teach them.

Q: Whenever I ask my daughter to clean up after playing or after eating, she always laughs, tells me “No!”, and runs away. I can’t get her to listen to me! How can I get her to clean up after herself?

A: It is common for children to test the limits and not listen to directions. This can be very frustrating for parents. One of the first things to remember in getting your child to do what you want is to give a good direction. A good direction is a statement, not a question. A question like, “Would you like to clean up your toys?” or “Clean up your toys, ok?” gives your child the chance to say “No.” Good directions are statements that tell your child exactly what you want her to do. For example, you might say, “Put your dolls in the toy box.” This is a clear statement of what you want your child to do. If your child says “No,” then she has not followed your direction and you should follow through with a consequence. If you use good directions and consistently follow through with consequences when directions are not followed, your child will learn that she has to do what you say. Click here for more information on giving directions.

Q: It seems like the only way I can get my son to do anything that I tell him to do is by yelling at him and threatening to punish him. I’ve tried asking him nicely, but he always refuses and throws a fit until I raise my voice. Is there anything I should do differently or is this normal?

A: It sounds like you have fallen into what is called a “yelling trap.” Your child has learned that he only needs to act when the yelling starts. Over time, you may need to yell louder and threaten more things to get your child to do what you want. This can be exhausting and frustrating for parents. Changing the way you give directions can help. Provide directions one at a time in a neutral, firm tone, with no yelling or pleading. If your child does not follow your direction, use a consequence immediately. If you use a neutral, firm tone when giving the direction and always follow through with consequences when your child doesn’t follow your direction, your child will learn that he has to listen, even when you are not yelling.

Q: My daughter is a pretty smart 4-year-old. She certainly knows how to “push my buttons.” When I tell her to do something, she never really seems to do it correctly. For example, I’ll tell her to put her toys away, and she will usually pick up some of them but not all of them, or she’ll just throw them in the direction of the toy box and not put them inside. Does she truly not understand what I’m asking her to do or is she doing this on purpose?

A: One of the first things to consider is whether your direction is appropriate for your child’s age. You also may want to consider whether your daughter understands what it means to put her toys away. She may think she is following the direction by only doing part of it or by doing something similar to your direction. You may need to teach her exactly what you expect. In the future, you can have your daughter repeat the direction back to you to make sure she understands. If the direction is okay for your daughter’s age and she knows what your direction means, she may be testing the limits if she still does not follow your direction. Children test the limits to see what they can get away with. If your daughter clearly understands what she is supposed to do and she does not do it as you have told her, you should follow through with a consequence. When you follow through with the consequence every time your child does not listen, she will learn she is not going to get away with only doing a portion of the task or doing something slightly different. It will take patience, but with enough consistent follow through, the problem should improve.

Q: My child often says “wait a minute” or pretends he does not hear me when I tell him to do something. I get frustrated when I have to yell or repeat myself several times. Am I doing something wrong?

A: Children respond in many different ways to our directions. It is common for children to tell their parents to wait a minute or pretend they don’t hear the direction. Children may also do things like dawdle or take their time, do what was asked but with a bad attitude, or follow the direction but then go back and undo it. It is also common for parents to find themselves repeating directions and getting frustrated. When giving directions, it is important to stay calm and use a neutral tone of voice. It is also best to only give a direction once. If your child does not follow your direction, you can give him one warning. If he still does not follow your direction, follow through with the consequence immediately. As your directions get better and you child learns to follow your directions, you will use warnings less often. Always follow through with consequences if your child does not follow your direction after the warning.

Q: Is there something I can do to get my child to listen and follow my directions better?

A: When giving a direction, you can begin by making sure you have your child’s attention. You can do this by bending down, squatting, or sitting next to your child so you are face-to-face. Make sure you have eye contact. If you want to make sure your child understands your direction, have him repeat the direction to you. You also want to make sure the direction fits your child’s age and ability. Make the direction as clear and specific as possible by telling your child exactly what you want. It is also important to give one direction at a time. Toddlers and preschoolers have a very short attention span. If you tell them to do more than one thing at a time, they may not be able to remember everything.

Six Keys to Giving Good Directions:

1. Make sure you have your child’s attention when you give a direction.
2. Be clear about what you want your child to do and when she needs to do it.
3. Ask your child to repeat the direction back to you to make sure he understands.
4. Avoid asking questions when you want your child to do something.
5. Give one direction at a time.
6. Model good listening skills during special playtime and give your child positive attention for good listening.

Giving Directions

Giving good directions are useful in many situations:

• Good directions teach your child how to behave.
• Good directions are helpful when you need your child to do something specific or stop your child from doing a misbehavior or something harmful.
• Good directions can prevent misbehaviors.

Steps for Giving Good Directions:

1. 1. Get your child’s attention. Bend down, squat, or sit next to your child so you can make eye contact.
   2. Give the direction. Tell your child what you want him to DO instead of what NOT to do.
      • Be sure the direction fits the child’s age and abilities.
      • Tell your child exactly what you behavior you want to see.
      • Give one direction at a time.
      • Give the direction in a neutral tone. Avoid yelling or raising your voice.
      • Be polite and respectful. Modeling politeness and respect when giving directions teaches them good manners.
      • Use gestures as needed. Kids sometimes do not understand what they are being told to do. Simple hand motions can give them the clues they need to understand.
      • Choose your words carefully. Give directions that are clearly what you expect your child to do and only use words like “let’s” when you will be helping your child.
      • Give limited choices. Only use choices when you are ok with what your child chooses. Using only two choices works best with young children.
      • Provide carefully timed explanations. If your child asks “why” to a direction, provide a reason before giving the direction or after the child follows the diction.
   3. Check compliance. Make sure your child follows your direction. They may seem like they did not follow directions by:
      • • Doing something slightly different.
        • Dawdling or stalling. Sometimes children may say, “Wait a minute,” or tell you they are going to finish something else before following through with your directions.
        • Pretending not to hear. Many children ignore directions in an attempt to delay or avoid having to do what you told her to do.
        • Following part of the direction. Children sometimes do part of a direction but not the entire direction. If it is clear your child understood and is able to do what you asked, doing only part of the direction counts as not following directions.
        • Following directions with a bad attitude. Children may follow the direction but with a bad attitude.
        • Undoing. Children sometimes do what you tell them to do and then undo it. You may need a second direction or a more specific direction to get your child to do what you want.
   4. Add a consequence. If your child follows your direction, tell her exactly what you like about what she has done. If she does not follow directions, remain calm, get the child’s attention, repeat the direction, check the child understands what you want him/her to do, and warn the child what consequence will follow if he/she does not do as told. If your child does not follow your direction within a short amount of time, remain calm and follow through with the negative consequence you warned him/her about.

Did you know that what you do right after any of your child’s behavior makes a difference? This may be why your child has good behavior some days and not others. Learning how to use discipline and consequences can help you have more good days with your child. It can also help you get behaviors you like to happen more.

Why are discipline and consequences important?

Discover why both positive and negative consequences are important

Steps for Using Consequences

Learn how to use consequences in five steps

How to Use Ignoring

Find out more about ignoring and how to use ignoring in three steps

How to Use Rewards

Learn why rewards are important and how to create your own reward program

Answers from Experts

See answers to common parenting questions about using consequences

Quick Tips

Check out these tips for using discipline and consequences

From time to time, your child is going to do things you don’t like. They’ll also do a lot of things you do like. The consequence, or what happens right after your child’s behaviors, makes the behavior more or less likely to happen again. Consequences can be both positive and negative.

Positive Consequences

Positive consequences show your child she has done something you like. Your child is more likely to repeat the behavior when you use positive consequences. Positive consequences include things like:

• rewards
• praise
• attention

Use positive consequences as much as possible for behaviors you would like your child to do again. Click here for more information on rewarding, praise, and attention.

Negative Consequences

Negative consequences let your child know you do not like what she has done. Your child is less likely to repeat the behavior when you use negative consequences. Negative consequences are also called discipline. Negative consequences include things like:

• ignoring
• distraction (i.e. getting your child to focus on something else)
• natural consequences (e.g. your child is playing roughly with a toy and the toy breaks)
• delay of privilege (i.e. your child has to wait to get something they really want)
• loss of a privilege, “common sense consequences” (i.e. you take away a privilege)
• time-out

Use negative consequences for behaviors you would like your child to stop. It’s a good idea to start with ignoring and distraction, especially for young children. Other consequences may be needed if ignoring and distraction don’t work or are not possible. Delay or removal of privileges, and time-out can be used to stop misbehavior. Click the following links for more detailed information about Ignoring and Time-out.

Behaviors are more likely to happen again when followed by a positive consequence like a reward. This is true for all behaviors, even those you don’t want to happen again. Rewards are important for many reasons:

Rewards can encourage your child’s good behaviors.
The way you respond right after your child’s behaviors makes the behavior more or less likely to happen again. Rewards can help get your child to do more of the things you want her to do. Rewards that happen right after a behavior are best.

Rewards can help increase self-esteem.
Toddlers and preschoolers hear the words “no,”, “stop,” and “quit” many times during the day. This is normal and one of the ways they learn right from wrong. But when children hear these things over and over, their self-esteem can begin to suffer. They may begin to believe they cannot do anything correctly. When a child earns a reward, he knows he has done something good and something you like.

Rewards can improve your relationship with your child.
When you give a reward to your child, you and your child are both happy. You are happy because your child has done something you like. Your child is also happy because she is getting something she likes.

Types of Rewards

There are several types of rewards. Material rewards include toys, candy, or other things that cost money. Another type of reward is a social reward. Social rewards are cheap or free and can be even more powerful than material rewards. They also can be given more often and immediately after behaviors you like.

Examples of Social Rewards

1. Affection – includes hugs, kisses, a high five, a smile, a pat on the back, or an arm around the shoulder.
2. Praise – Praise happens when parents say things like “Great job,” “Way to go,” or “Good boy/girl.” However, specific (or labeled) praise tells a child exactly what behavior you liked. Examples of labeled praise are:
   1. “Great job playing quietly while I was on the telephone!”
   2. “You were a great helper when you put all your toys in the closet today!”
3. Attention and Activities –Extra time with you or a special activity can be a powerful reward for young children. Some examples include playing a favorite game, reading a story, and helping with dinner. Other activities like going to the movies or the zoo can also be used, but these activities may not always be available or affordable.

Reward Programs

A rewards program is a way to keep track of how often your child does what you like. You watch your child’s behavior and when you catch him doing what you like, you provide a reward. For young children, a chart is often used.

A rewards program is a way to keep track of how often your child does something you like. Rewards work well for behaviors like staying in bed after being tucked in, putting the dishes on the counter after dinner, using the potty and other things young children may need a little reward for doing before they become a habit. Check out the six steps below to learn how to create your own reward program.

Step 1: Identify the specific behaviors you want to reward

The behaviors you pick should help your child clearly understand what you expect. Tips for picking specific behaviors are:

• Pick a couple of specific behaviors. For example, “Use polite words” and “Keep your hands and feet to yourself.”
• State exactly what you want to see your child do and avoid using words like “no,” “don’t,” “stop,” “quit,” and “not” when you identify behaviors to reward. Examples are:
  • “Share your toys with your sister” instead of “No hitting your sister.”
• Choose behaviors that are realistic and fit your child’s age and ability.

Step 2: Decide on the reward

The reward you use should be something your child wants to earn and will enjoy. He will not want to do the behavior if the reward isn’t something he wants or likes. Remember that rewards don’t have to cost a lot of money. A reward can be a sticker, hugs, kisses, an ink stamp, or any number of things. Make sure the reward is given immediately after the child does the behavior. Giving a quick reward for doing the right thing is the most effective way to get young children to change their behavior.

Step 3: Create a chart

Create a chart that shows your child the behaviors and rewards you have picked. The chart should be made in a way your young child will understand, like with pictures and simple words. For example, if you want your child to brush her teeth every day, you may write “Brush teeth” on the chart and include a picture of a toothbrush so that your child understands. Click here for a sample chart and to create your own chart.

Step 4: Explain the reward program to your child

For the reward program to work, your child needs to be told exactly what he needs to do to earn a reward. If you picked clear and specific behaviors in step 1, this will be easy to do. If you are using a chart that uses stickers, stamps, or check marks, you can show the chart to your child. You can say what you expect from him and what you will do on the chart every time you see him do the behavior. Try to focus on the positives when explaining the chart to your child. For example, you may say, “I have noticed that you sometimes take your plate to the sink after you finish eating. I want to give you a sticker like this (show the child the sticker) on your chart (point to the chart) every time you take your plate to the sink after eating!”

Step 5: Use the reward program

You are now ready to begin using the reward program. Make sure the reward program is clear to your child. When he receives a reward, tell him exactly (and enthusiastically) what he did to earn the reward. For example, you could tell your child, “Because you took your plate to sink, I am giving you a big, gold star!” Remember to give the rewards immediately after the behavior to make sure that your child knows what he did to earn the reward.

Place the chart somewhere that is easy for the child to see it and be reminded of what you want him to do. The refrigerator is often a good place, but you can put it anywhere that works for your family.

When your child earns his first reward, you can praise him and let him watch you put the reward on the chart. Never take away rewards your child has earned. Rewards that your child has earned are his and should not be removed for misbehaviors. To earn new rewards, your child must do the right behavior again.

Step 6: Slowly change the selected behavior or phase out the reward program

When you first start using a reward program, reward your child often. Over time, you will notice that your child is doing the right thing more and more often. You can stop rewarding the behavior and move on to rewarding a different behavior you would like your child to do more often.

Reward programs that use stickers, ink stamps, or check marks are less effective as children get older. For older children, the items used as rewards can be changed to tokens, such as marbles and chips that can be collected and redeemed for other rewards your child wants. For instance, if your older child earns 5 marbles for doing the selected behavior, he can get a reward like a trip to the park.

What if the Reward Program isn’t working?

It is important to remember that it takes time for behaviors to change. It will take time for reward programs to work. If you are patient and consistent in what you do, you will see an increase in your child’s good behavior and a decrease in misbehaviors. If the reward program is not working, there are three questions you can think about:

1. Is your child able to do what you are expecting?
   Ask yourself: Can my child do the behavior I want her to do? If you decide that you are expecting too much, you can make changes to the program. Be sure to explain the reason for the change to your child.
   For example, if you expected your child to make her bed but she cannot do that, you might say, “I realize that I should reward you for helping me make the bed. So from now on, you will get a prize when you help me make the bed.”
2. Is the behavior specific, clear, and easy for your child to understand?
   If your child is not doing the behavior, it’s a sign she may not understand what you want. As your child gets older, you can see if she understands by asking her to tell you what she needs to do to get a reward. Remember that behaviors should be specific and easy for you to see. Keep behaviors simple for young children.
3. Are the rewards things your child is interested in earning?
   Remember that things you like may not be the same as what your child would like to earn. Children also become tired of some rewards and develop new likes and interests. Keep a running list of rewards your child would like. Change and add to the reward list over time to continue to make the rewards fun and exciting.

A consequence is what happens immediately after a behavior. Consequences can be both positive and negative. Positive consequences show your child she has done something you like. Your child is more likely to repeat the behavior when you use positive consequences. Negative consequences let your child know you do not like what she has done. Your child is less likely to repeat the behavior when you use negative consequences. Negative consequences are also called discipline. The five steps for using consequences to stop misbehavior are listed below.

Step 1: Identify the misbehavior

It is important that you and your child are clear about which behaviors are okay and which are not okay. If your child is doing something you do not like and want to stop, let her know by giving a warning that the behavior needs to change or a consequence will be used (see Step 2).

Be specific when you tell your child what you expect. Saying something like, “If you don’t play nicely, you’re going to lose your toys” is vague. You and your child may have different ideas about what “playing nicely” means. State exactly what you want to see your child do. You might say, “If you throw the truck again, I’m going to take it away.”

Step 2: Give a warning

Give your child a warning that the behavior needs to change. Let her know she will get a consequence she does not like if her behavior doesn’t change. Using “If-Then” statements are a good way to give the warning to your child. You might say, “If you don’t stop throwing the toy, then I’m going to take it away.”

Only use a warning if you are willing to follow through with the consequence. Follow through with the consequence every time you give a warning. If you don’t, your child will not take the warning seriously. In the warning, be specific about what you expect from your child. If your child is banging pans on the table, you may say, “If you don’t play gently with the pans, they will be put away for the rest of the day.”

Step 3: Give a consequence

Once a warning is given, you must always follow-through with a positive or negative consequence. Give a positive consequence if your child did what you asked. This lets her know you like the choice she made. Positive consequences include praise, hugs, pats on the back, or other things. Give a negative consequence if your child didn’t do what you asked. This lets her know you do not like the choice she made. Ignoring, distraction, time-out, and delay or restriction of privileges are examples of negative consequences. It is a good idea to try ignoring or distracting your child as potential consequences. If these do not work or are not possible, think about the common sense consequences related to the misbehavior.

• Ignoring
  When you ignore, you take all your attention away from your child and her behavior. Click here to learn more about when and how to ignore.
• Distraction
  When children are distracted, their attention is redirected to something else. Distraction is easier to use when you plan in advance how you will handle situations that may be hard for your child. For instance, if your child misbehaves when you go out to dinner or on long car trips, bring crayons and paper or small games that can help distract your child.
• Delay of a privilege and logical (or common sense) consequences
  Delaying a privilege means that your child has to wait to get something she likes. When you remove privileges, you take away things or activities your child likes. For young children, the privileges you remove need to be logically related to the misbehavior. For example, you might take away a toy your children are fighting over.
• Time-out
  Time-out moves your child to a place free of anything or anyone that might provide attention. Click here for more information about time-out and how to do a time-out

Step 4: Tell them why

Let your child know why the negative consequence is happening. Always follow through with the consequence. Remember timing is key. Consequences should occur immediately after the misbehavior. This way, your child clearly understands what she did to get the negative consequence. You may say, “Because you hit your brother with your doll, I am taking away your doll for the evening”. At that point, the doll should be removed and placed out of the child’s reach.

Your child may beg, plead, cry, and tell you what you want to hear once you use the consequence. Your child may also say things like she hates you or that you are a terrible parent. This should not affect your decision to follow through. If your child throws a tantrum and you give her what she wants, the lesson she learns is “If I cry loud enough, mom/dad will give me what I want.” In this case, you have actually rewarded your child for the tantrum and made it more likely she will throw a tantrum in the future.

Step 5: Go back to positive communication

After the consequence is over, go back to being positive with your child. If a privilege is removed or delayed, you can remind your child of the good behavior you want to see. For example, if you give your child her doll back after a morning time-out, you might say, “You can play with the doll as long as you play gently.” Watch for positive behaviors. Give praise and other rewards when your child does the right thing.

Attention from parents is very rewarding for children. Attention can be both positive and negative. Positive attention refers to things you do to let your child know you like something she did. Negative attention happens when you give your child attention for something you don’t like. If your child keeps tugging at your shirt and calling your name, you may tell her to “Stop!” In this example, you have given your child attention. You may find yourself giving attention to negative behaviors more than positive behaviors because you are rushed or in a hurry. But, for children, negative attention from you is still attention. Ignoring works because it takes away attention from the behaviors you want to decrease. Your child learns that she will not receive attention for misbehaving.

What Is Ignoring?

Do not be fooled by the term ignoring. It is a very active process for the parent. Think of ignoring as the opposite of paying attention. When you ignore your child, you do not neglect him or stand by while he misbehaves. Instead, you take all your attention away from your child and his behavior. Ignoring usually helps stop behaviors that your child is using to get your attention. This includes behaviors like throwing tantrums, whining, and interrupting. When you are ignoring, you do not look at your child or talk to him. Ignore all protests or excuses to get your attention. The goal is to decrease behaviors you do not like or you want your child to stop.

Why Should I Ignore My Child’s Misbehavior?

Ignoring can help you reduce your child’s misbehavior. Remember that children love attention. Negative attention like screaming or yelling can be rewarding to a child. This is true especially if you were not paying attention to your child before the misbehavior started. By giving your child attention during tantrums, you may accidentally reward the behavior and increase the chance it will happen again. When you ignore some misbehaviors, you can make it less likely your child will do the behavior again.

What Misbehaviors Should I Ignore?

Ignoring is usually most effective for behaviors like whining, crying when nothing is physically wrong or hurting, and tantrums. These misbehaviors are often done for attention. If parents, friends, family, or other caregivers consistently ignore these behaviors, they will eventually stop.

Your child may also misbehave in ways that are not meant for attention and put him in danger. Dangerous and destructive behaviors should not be ignored. For example, if your child is hurting herself, hurting others, or destroying objects, she should not be ignored. These misbehaviors should be stopped immediately. Other discipline and consequences such as time-out should be used.

Q: Every time I take my 2-year-old son to the grocery store, I know I only have about 10 minutes before he starts to get restless and a full-on meltdown occurs. I have to get food and groceries, so I can’t leave the store, but I also can’t ignore his screaming and crying. I feel like other adults are looking at me like I’m crazy or I’m a bad parent. Is there anything I can do to have peaceful shopping trips with my son?

A: All parents likely go through something like this with a child at some point, so don’t feel alone. It’s difficult to get through a shopping trip with a screaming toddler, so here are a few tips. First, try not to worry about what other people may be thinking about you. It is important that you handle the behavior in a way that is best for you and your child. This will get easier over time and with more experience. Second, plan ahead. If you know you only have about 10 minutes before your child gets restless, have a shopping list in hand and get as much done as you can before the meltdown begins. Third, you can also plan ahead things to do with your child that could help prevent a meltdown. Think about ways to distract or redirect your child when he starts to get restless. For example, give your child a job that fits his age, such as helping to find a specific item and putting it in the cart. You could also talk about what you are thinking as you try to find different items. For example, you might say, “Mommy is trying to find the ketchup. It’s red and in a big plastic bottle. Do you see the ketchup? I’m trying real hard to find it!” You could also get your child to tell you a silly story or you could tell a silly story to him. Screaming and crying can’t happen if your child is telling you a story or listening to a silly story. Another strategy is to bring a toy that your child enjoys to the grocery store. Maybe it is a toy that he only gets to play with at the grocery store. Before he has his meltdown, you could distract him using the new toy. Fourth, praise your child a lot for being good while you are shopping. Make sure to tell him exactly what he is doing that you like. The more you praise good behavior, the more likely your child will behave that way again in the future. Click here for more information on distraction and praise.

Q: I have two sons, ages 7 and 2. My youngest son is always hitting his older brother. He doesn’t hit other kids, but he hits his brother every day. Why does he do this? Is there anything I can do to get him to stop?

A: Fighting and hitting are very common among siblings. It is likely that your 2-year-old is enjoying the attention he is getting for hitting his brother. He might like seeing a shocked reaction from you or his brother, and he may enjoy causing his brother to yell, “STOP!” Remember that negative attention is still attention and kids want lots of attention. To get the hitting to stop, you will likely need to talk to your 7-year-old son about how he responds to his brother. He can either tell you or another caregiver his brother hit him or he can ignore the behavior if he is not hurt. Ignoring is difficult for a 7-year-old though so don’t put too much responsibility on him. Whether your son tells you his brother hit him or you witness it, you need to do the same thing every time it happens. Time-out could be a consequence for this behavior, since you can do it each time the hitting happens. Time-out works because children are moved away from things that give them attention or joy. Time-out is boring. Your younger son can’t hit his older brother if he is in time-out. He also can’t get the attention that he wants. Click here for more information on time-out.

Q: My 3-year-old daughter is usually good about sharing toys, but she has some favorite stuffed animals that she doesn’t want other kids to touch. When we have playdates, the other kids all want to play with her stuffed animals. When the other kids try to touch them, she has a tantrum. How can I help her learn to share these toys?

A: It’s better to prevent misbehavior than to deal with it after it happens. If you know your daughter doesn’t want to share certain toys, it’s a good idea to put those toys away so that no one plays with them during the playdate. To get her to share all of her toys more easily, you can start by praising her for sharing the toys that she already shares. Then, you might praise her for sharing her favorites with caregivers. Finally, try including one favorite toy at a time into the playdate. Stay close by so that you can praise any sharing of the favorite toys. At first, you may only want to have a single toy available for a short amount of time. As your child gets better at sharing, you can increase the amount of time and the number of favorite toys that are included in the playdate.

Q: I like for my daughter to join playdates, but she gets really upset when it’s time to stop playing and go home. How can I get her to stop getting so upset and to understand that we have to go home?

A: Whether it’s the end of a playdate or the end of the day at daycare or preschool, children often don’t want the fun and playtime to end. In fact, moving from one activity to another can be very difficult for children. It is often helpful for parents to have a routine for how playdates (or any other event the child enjoys) end. Here are a couple of ways this might work: 1) you tell your child that she has 5 more minutes to play. You allow her a few more minutes to play before leaving; or 2) you tell your child it’s time to go. You get things together and leave immediately with your child. It is important to be predictable and consistent with how you end activities. Do it the same way each time. If your child throws a tantrum, pick her up and leave without talking or looking at her, or wait for the tantrum to end and then leave. Do not allow the tantrum to lead to more play time.

Q: My 4-year-old daughter always wants my attention when I try to talk with her brother. She keeps cutting in on our talks, and she makes a lot of noise. What can I do to get her to stop?

A: It sounds like your daughter is trying to get your attention. If you and your son ignore her, it should stop. The important thing is that you also give positive attention to your daughter. Both children need some 1-on-1 time with you. You might want to give your daughter a warning when she starts acting up and say, “I’m talking to your brother now. I will talk to you next.” After the warning, you should ignore the interrupting and loud talking. If your daughter waits quietly, you can praise her by saying something like, “Thank you for waiting so quietly for me. I really like it when you wait quietly.”

Six Keys to Using Discipline and Consequences

1. Use social rewards (like hugs and kisses) more than material rewards (like toys or candy). Social rewards can be given often and are more powerful! Click here to learn more using rewards.
2. Sticker charts or similar reward programs can help change your child’s behavior. Click here to create your own reward chart.
3. Ignoring misbehavior means taking away your attention. It helps stop misbehaviors like tantrums, whining, and interrupting. Click here to learn more about ignoring.
4. Want to reduce misbehavior? Try these five steps.
5. Toddlers and preschoolers have short attention spans. Give consequences right after a misbehavior so they can remember what they did that you do not like.
6. Use consequences that match your child’s age and stage of development. Click here to learn more.

Discipline and Consequences

Consequences occur immediately after a behavior.

• Positive consequences include things like rewards. They let your child know he has done something you like. See the Using Rewards section below for more tips on rewards.
• Negative consequences, also called discipline, include things like ignoring and time-out. They are used to stop misbehaviors and keep them from happening again.

Types of Negative Consequences/Discipline:

• Natural consequences are the consequences that occur because of what we do.
  Example: Your child keeps banging her toy against the table, even after you’ve told her to stop. Her toy breaks.
• Common sense consequences are also called logical consequences. They are directly related to and logically follow the misbehavior.
  Example: Your child keeps throwing his toy. You take the toy away.
• Ignoring occurs when parents take away their attention and make no physical, verbal, or eye contact with the child. See the Using Ignoring section below for more tips on ignoring.
  • Example: Your child asks you for something at the store, and you say “no.” Your child continues to whine and ask for the item while you’re in line. You ignore your child’s whining and don’t give any attention. You also don’t give in and buy your child what he wants.
• Distraction occurs when you get your child to focus on something else. By doing this, he stops the misbehavior.
  • Crayons and paper, toys, and small games are things you can keep with you to distract your child.
• Delay or loss of a privilege means that your child has to wait to get something he wants.
  • Example: You might tell your child, “After you make your bed, you can go outside and play.”
• Timeout moves your child to a place free of anything or anyone that might provide attention.

Steps for Using Consequences

1. Identify the misbehavior.
2. Give a warning.
3. Give a consequence.
4. Tell them why.
5. Go back to positive communication.

Discipline and Negative Consequences Tips

• Negative consequences should relate to the misbehavior and the seriousness of the misbehavior.
• Consequences should not be excessive. Young children have short attention spans so taking away toys or activities for shorter periods of time is more effective.

• Negative consequences should never deprive the child of basic essentials, such as food, a bath, or school.

• After any consequence your child does not like, go back to being positive with your child.

• Consequences should be directed at the behavior and not at the person. Avoid saying things like, “You never do anything right.” These comments can be damaging to your child’s self-esteem and to the parent-child relationship.

Using Rewards

Rewards are a type of positive consequence. Behaviors are more likely to happen again when followed by a positive consequence like a reward. Rewards are important for many reasons:

• Rewards can encourage your child’s good behaviors
• Rewards can help increase self-esteem
• Rewards can improve your relationship with your child

Types of Rewards:

• Social Rewards
  • Affection – hugs, kisses, smile, high-five
  • Praise – tell your child what you liked; “You were a great helper during clean-up today!”
  • Attention and Activities
• Material Rewards
  • Toys, candy, or other material things your child likes or really enjoys.
  • Material rewards should be used in combination with social rewards.

Steps for Developing and Using a Reward System:

1. Identify and clearly define the behavior or what it is you want your child to do.
2. Decide on the reward your child will receive.
3. Create a chart and place it somewhere your child can see it.
4. Explain the reward system to your child.
5. Use the reward system.
6. Slowly change the selected behavior or phase out the reward system.

If the reward system isn’t working, try the following:

• Make sure your expectations are realistic
• Make sure the behavior is clear to your child
• Make sure the reward is something your child is interested in earning

Rewards Tips

• Using social and material rewards together may increase how quickly your child’s behavior changes. You can decrease the use of rewards after your child is doing what you want regularly and consistently.
• When using material rewards, the rewards mustbe items your child likes or really enjoys. When children are younger, a sticker and parental attention are usually all that is required to encourage good behaviors. This changes as children get older and other rewards become more important.
• Praise and attention should always be used with material rewards. Praise and attention play an important role in making the parent-child relationship positive.
• Come up with a variety of rewards to use with each of your children. Remember that all children are different and like different things. What may be rewarding for one child may not be for another. Children will also get bored easily. If they receive the same rewards each time, that reward will be less powerful over time.
• Reward systems do not work immediately to change a child’s behavior. It takes time for them to work.

Using Ignoring

Ignoring is the opposite of paying attention. When you ignore your child, you do not neglect him or stand by while he misbehaves. Instead, you take all your attention away from your child and his behavior. Ignoring helps stop behaviors that your child is using to get your attention.

Steps for Using Ignoring:

1. Choose a specific behavior you want to ignore.
2. When your child does the selected behavior, take away all of your attention.
3. Wait for the misbehavior to stop and quickly return your attention to your child.

Ignoring Tips

• Ignoring works well when used with positive attention for behaviors you’d like to see more often.
• While ignoring:
  • Don’t touch or hold your child
  • Don’t talk to your child
  • Don’t look at your child
  • Don’t give in
• Be prepared for the behavior to get worse when you first start ignoring it.
• Be consistent and predictable with your ignoring.
• All caregivers need to respond to misbehavior the same way.
• Dangerous and destructive behaviors should not be ignored. These misbehaviors should be stopped immediately.

Children like attention from their parents. Attention can be both positive and negative. You can improve your child’s behavior by how you give attention. If you give your child any attention after a behavior, that behavior is more likely to happen again. Time-out works because it takes away all of your attention and other things your child likes when she misbehaves.

What is Time-Out?

Discover more about time-out and when to use it

Steps for Using Time-Out

Learn the 5 steps for using time-out to stop misbehaviors

Handling Time-Out Challenges

Find out how to handle time-out challenges

Locations and Other Keys to Effective Time-Outs

Learn to choose the right place for time-out and other alternatives

Answers from Experts

See answers to common parenting questions about using time-out

Quick Tips

Check out these tips for using time-out

Time-out is when your child is removed from where the misbehavior happened. Your child is away from all things that are fun. She does not get any attention in time-out. She cannot interact with her parents or anyone else. Time-out is boring. Time-out works to change problem behaviors because children don’t usually like to be bored.

Time-out is not used for all misbehaviors. Some behaviors like crying or whining can be ignored. Distracting your child with a toy or a song can help prevent or stop misbehavior. Behaviors that cannot be ignored or redirected with distraction should be followed by a consequence that will stop the misbehavior. Delay or removal of privileges and time-out can be used to stop misbehavior.

When Should Time-Out Be Used?

When your child misbehaves, you can use a consequence of your choice. For toddlers and preschoolers, it is a good idea to try distraction and redirection first. If that doesn’t work, you can consider other discipline strategies, like removing an activity or toy your child likes. There are 4 times when time-out may be a good choice:

1. Your child does something dangerous, like running in the street.
   A time-out in this situation gives your child a clear understanding that these behaviors are never okay.
2. Your child does something harmful, like hurting another child.
   A time-out can help your child see that hurting others is never okay.
3. Your child breaks a family rule.
   Because children know it is the consequence, a time-out warning is not used. Remember that family rules are for those misbehaviors that are never okay. Make sure your child knows the family rules and understands that breaking the rules will mean a time-out.
4. Your child does not follow your direction after a warning.
   Your child is more likely to follow your directions if she gets praise for following directions or consequences for not following the direction. A time-out warning can help your child do as you directed. If your child does not follow your directions after one warning, time-out may be a good consequence. The time-out warning is described below.

The Time-Out Warning

When your child doesn’t follow your directions give a time-out warning. The time-out warning needs to be stated clearly, simply, and as a statement (not as a question). State this warning in a neutral tone and follow through with the time-out every time if your child does not do as you directed.

For example, look at when the parent decides to use a time-out warning based on her daughter’s response.

Example 1

“It’s almost time for dinner. Please put your toys away.” (Parent pauses for a few seconds and child continues to play.) The parent says to her daughter, “If you don’t put away your toys, you will have to go to time-out.” (This is the time-out warning.) The parent pauses for a few more seconds to allow the child time to follow directions. The child begins to comply. After the child has finished picking up her toys, the parent says, “Thanks for listening and putting your toys away.”

Example 2

“It’s almost time for dinner. Please put your toys away.” (Parent pauses for a few seconds and child continues to play.) The parent says to her daughter, “If you don’t put away your toys, you will have to go to time-out.” (This is the time-out warning.) The parent pauses for a few more seconds to allow the child time to follow directions. The child continues playing. The parent says, “You did not pick up your toys so you have to go to time-out.” The parent takes her daughter to the time-out chair and says, “Stay here until I tell you to get up.”

Remember

Only give the time-out warning one time. After time-out, the child needs to do what you directed. If she refuses again, she goes back to time-out. The time-out process can go on for a while the first couple of times you use it. Your child will eventually learn that you mean what you say and the time-outs will get easier.

Tips for Time-Out

• Explain time-out or show it to your child in a way she can understand. Showing your child exactly what to do when you give a time-out can help the time-out go smoothly and be more likely to work. You may need to show your child several times so she can remember.
• Practice time-out with your child when you are both in a good mood. Then, have your child tell you what happens during time-out. By doing this, you can be sure she understands.
• Make sure your child knows what behavior leads to a time-out. For example, when you create a list of family rules, let your child know time-out is the consequence if the rule is broken.
• Tell your child where time-outs will happen. Let your child know the rules and steps for time-out.
• Use time-out the same way every time. When the steps of time-out are predictable, time-outs are more likely to help improve your child’s misbehavior.
• Focus on one misbehavior first. When you first start using time-out, focus on a single misbehavior you would like to stop, such as biting.
• Time-out should happen immediately after the misbehavior. The faster time-out happens, the more likely your child will know that her behavior led to the time-out.
• Do not threaten your child with a time-out. If you forget to follow through, your child may not believe you are serious about time-out. If you want to use a time-out to stop misbehavior, it is best to use it immediately after the misbehavior.

When children misbehave and parents try to correct them, feelings and emotions can get out of control. A time-out allows the parent and child time to cool down. The steps below can be used for time-out. Remember it is helpful to practice what will happen in a time-out with your child before you need to use it.

Steps for Time-Out

Open All Close All Step 1: Check the behavior and give a warning

If your child misbehaves in a way that calls for a time-out (like not following directions), give a time-out warning. Let your child know in a calm voice that he will go to time-out if he keeps misbehaving.

For example, if you tell your child to put away his toys and he does not listen, you might say, “If you don’t put away your toys, you are going to time-out.” Wait about 5 seconds. If your child follows directions after the warning, praise him. You could say, “I really like it when you listen and put away your toys just like I asked!” If your child keeps misbehaving, it is time to follow through with a time-out. Always follow through with time-out when you give the warning and your child does not do what you told him to do.

Step 2: Tell your child why

Tell your child he is going to time-out and tell him why. Tell your child, “You have to go to time-out because you…” You should say this only once. Say it in a calm but firm voice. When you are telling your child why he is going to time-out:

• Do NOT lecture, scold, or argue.
• Do NOT accept any excuses.
• Do NOT talk to your child while taking him to the time-out chair.
• Ignore shouting, protesting, and promises to be good.

Step 3: Have your child sit in time-out

If your child refuses to go to time-out, lead him by the hand or pick him up safely and carry him to the chair. When you get to the time-out space, tell him to sit down. Tell him to stay in the time-out space until you say he can get up. When your child is in time-out:

• Do NOT let anyone talk with him.
• Do NOT let him play with anything.

Getting children to sit in time-out is sometimes easier said than done. If your child gets out of the time-out space, put him back and do not talk to your child. When you first use time-out, you may have to return your child to time-out several times.

Step 4: End time-out

Time-out usually lasts between 2 and 5 minutes for toddlers and preschoolers. A good rule is to give 1 minute of time-out for every year of the child’s age. This means that a 2-year-old would sit in time-out for 2 minutes, and a 3-year-old would have a 3-minute time-out.

Your child should be quiet before he leaves the time-out space. Listen for about 5 seconds of silence toward the end of time-out. When your child is quiet for 5 seconds at the end of time-out, tell him he can get up. If your child got time-out for breaking a family rule or for doing something dangerous, you may want to remind your child of the behavior you expect. For example, you can say, “Remember our rule: keep your hands and feet to yourself.”

If the time-out was for not following your direction, repeat the direction. Your child needs to follow your directions, even after time-out. If your child still refuses to do what you have told him to do, he should go back to time-out.

Step 5: Praise the next good thing your child does

Focus on the next positive thing your child does and give him an enthusiastic praise! Sometimes giving your child the chance to follow another direction allows you to praise him. If your child does not do what you have told him to do, even after the time-out, you should repeat the time-out. It may take several times before your child learns that you mean what you say.

What You Can Do While Your Child is in Time-Out

Try to do what you would normally be doing when your child is in time-out, but stay close enough to know if your child is doing anything dangerous or tries to leave the time-out chair/spot. No one should give your child any attention while he is in time-out. Do not look at your child, do not talk to your child, and do not touch your child. Make sure your child’s brothers and sisters are also not giving him attention in time-out.

Putting Two Children in Time-Out

When two children are arguing or fighting, knowing who started it is less important than giving a consequence to both children for misbehaving. Choosing sides does not allow children the chance to solve their own problems. Putting both children in time-out is better because you do not have to take sides, you do not reward the children with attention for fighting, and both children are equally punished. Make sure to send the children to different time-out spots. Then follow the regular time-out procedure with both children.

Putting a Toy in Time-Out

If your child is mishandling a toy or fighting with another child over the toy, you can consider putting the toy in time-out (and not your child). Putting the toy in time-out can be used if you do not want to put your child in time-out too often. It is a way to teach your child self-control and still decrease misbehaviors without too much time spent in time-out by your child. To do this, just take the toy away and put it in time-out. After the time-out is over, tell your child why the toy was in time-out and then have your child say why the toy was in time-out.

Time-out is hard at first, and you may need to practice the steps for using time-out with your child before you feel totally comfortable. Practicing with your child also lets your child know what to expect. You may want to talk to your child about how you will respond if she does any of the things below during time-out.

What if my child agrees to follow my direction when she’s on her way to time-out?

It’s too late. At this point, you have already given a time-out warning so you need to follow through. If you don’t, your child will learn she only needs to agree to follow your directions if you decide to take her to time-out.

What if my child is not quiet during time-out?

When you first start using time-out, your child may scream or cry. This behavior is normal and she’ll likely stop this after several time-outs. Your child needs to be quiet for at least the last 5 seconds of time-out. It does not matter if she screams the rest of the time. You’ll just ignore the screaming.

If your child is not quiet during the last 5 seconds of time-out, wait until she has been quiet for at least 5 seconds before allowing her to get out of time-out. You don’t want her to think she’s getting out of time-out because she has been crying or screaming.

If you have a child who screams in time-out, you may not be able to catch her being quiet for 5 seconds, but she will likely stop screaming for a couple of seconds. When you catch her being quiet for a few seconds, you can say, “Now that you’re sitting quietly in time-out, you can get out.” This lets her know that she’s getting out of time-out for sitting quietly.

How will I get my child to time-out if she doesn’t want to go or if she is hitting and kicking?

Your child is trying to get out of time-out. You should still make your child go. Avoid providing your child with a lot of attention to get her to time-out. Walk with her to time-out and try not to make eye contact or talk to her.

If you can’t get her to walk with you, you can use strategies like the barrel carry that will keep you and your child from getting hurt. When using the barrel carry, you wrap your arms around your child (under the child’s armpits and across the chest) with your child facing away from you. Be careful if you decide to carry your upset child to time-out. She may head butt you or kick you in her attempts to get away. Do not drag or pull a child to time-out because someone could get hurt.

What if my child tries to get up before time-out is over?

Parents vary in how they decide if a child is “up.” Sometimes when parents first start using time-out, they are ok as long as the child is in the time-out area. Other parents want the child’s bottom to be on the chair/spot. If your child knows what you expect and still leaves the time-out space, you can tell him that his time is starting over.

If your child continues to leave the chair, you have several options. You can place him in a safe, well-lit room or you can return him to the chair and tell him that he is going to lose a privilege. For example, you might say in a calm voice, “If you get up again, you will not be able to ride your bike the rest of the day.” Remember to follow through with all consequences you promise. Remember, consequences that occur right away work best for young children. Sometimes parents have to stand by the time-out space to get the child to sit. Try to limit your interactions with your child and do not talk to him or give him attention.

If you are consistent in putting your child back in the time-out space and limit the attention you provide to your child during the process, you will notice that time-outs get easier over time.

What if my child picks up a toy and takes it with him while he’s on the way to time-out?

Take it away. Remember that time-out is a time away from all things that may be fun or entertaining for your child. No toys are allowed in time-out.

What if my child is in time-out and says that he has to go to the bathroom?

Remember that you should ignore all of the things your child says while in time-out. If your child uses the bathroom in the time-out chair/spot, it can be cleaned up easily. Your child may use the bathroom on himself every time he’s in time-out if he knows it will get him out of time-out sooner.

If your child is just being potty trained, you can take him to the bathroom but limit what you say or do. Your eye, verbal, and physical contact should be limited to only what is needed to help him with the bathroom. After using the bathroom, take him right back to the time-out chair.

If you are using a fabric chair for time-out or a blanket for time-outs away from home, you can take your child to the bathroom but limit what you say or do. Your eye, verbal, and physical contact should be limited to only what is needed to help him with the bathroom. After using the bathroom, take him right back to the time-out chair/spot.

What if my child scoots or rocks the time-out chair, stands on the time-out chair, or does something to hurt himself while he is in time-out?

Dangerous or harmful behaviors cannot be ignored. Do the best you can to stop the behavior without providing any attention. For example, if your child is standing on the chair, sit him down, but do not say anything or make eye contact while you are sitting him down. If your child scoots or rocks the chair, you may want to stand behind the chair so that your child cannot move it. Make sure you are not saying or doing anything to give your child attention.

If you are using time-out away from home and your child throws the mat, you can ignore it since it is not dangerous. You might want to consider just having your child sit on the floor.

What if your child misbehaves away from home?

Time-outs can be given anywhere (the grocery store, the car), but it still needs to be a time-out from anything your child may find fun and entertaining.

In public places, your child might face a wall or something boring. You can also have a small blanket, mat, or carpet square that you can use for time-outs in public. Your child should be quiet, and no one should be talking to your child or giving him attention.

If your child is not cooperating with time-out in a public place, you may take her to a place that is not surrounded by people. For example, you could take your child to a bathroom stall if she will not behave in the store or you can decide to go home.

Choosing the Right Place for Time-Out

If you decide to use time-out as a consequence, it’s important to choose a good time-out place in the home. Think about the following when you are picking a time-out spot:

• Choose a time-out place that is away from toys, people, windows, TVs, radios, and anything else your child likes.
  Your child’s bedroom is not a good place for time-out. The bedroom often has too many things in it your child likes.
• If you need to use the bedroom as a time-out area:
  • Remove the toys from the room
  • Often, the best place for time-out is at the end of a hallway. This area is usually away from people and things in your home that your child likes.
• If you use a separate room:
  • Make sure it is safe and your child does not have access to things that are breakable or can cause harm, like chemicals or detergents.
  • Do not turn off the lights during time-out and never use a closet. You don’t want to scare your child. The goal is to remove all attention and fun things so your child does not like going to time-out.
  • Do not leave your young child unsupervised for long periods of time. Stay nearby so you can monitor what is happening.
• Sit in the space yourself.
  One way to decide if a place is a good spot for time-out is to sit in the space yourself. Stretch out your arms and legs. Make sure that your child cannot hit or kick the wall. Being able to kick or hit the wall may be fun for your child. If you cannot touch anything, your child will not be able to touch anything either.

The Time-Out Chair and Other Alternatives

A time-out chair is the most common place parents identify for time-out. An adult-sized, wooden kitchen chair often works best. If you use a small, child-sized chair, your child can easily move the chair around. It is important for your child’s safety to choose a sturdy time-out chair that he cannot rock or move. Try to avoid chairs that rock, chairs with soft cushions, and chairs with pictures and graphics on them. Remember, this is a time-out from things your child likes.

If a time-out chair is not available, you can use other items like a small blanket or mat to show your child where to sit on the floor for time-out. You can also take these with you in case you need to put your child in time-out away from home. Keep an eye on your child to make sure she does not start playing with the blanket or mat if you use them instead of a chair.

Q: I’ve tried time-out several times before with both of my children (ages 7 and 3). It has never worked. My children never stay in the time-out chair. I end up spending 10 minutes arguing with them about it. That’s longer than the time-out should’ve been! Is there a “trick” to get time-out to work or are my children just time-out proof?

A: Many parents try time-out with their children and feel like it does not work. But you may have more success with a few changes to the way you’re doing time-outs. The first thing to keep in mind is that time-out is time away from everything your child finds rewarding, including your attention. When you argue with your children during time-out, you are giving them attention. Even though it is negative attention, it is still attention. And, it sounds like the arguing is working to get them out of time-out.

When you use time-out with your children, try to do it like a robot. Don’t react to anything. Limit your eye contact with your children, and try not to touch or talk to them. Getting your children to stay in the time-out chair can be tough. Try to have a plan before time-out begins, and think about how you will handle all of the things that can happen. It is helpful to practice time-out with your children and let them know how you will handle misbehaviors in time-out. If your child gets up from the time-out chair, pick them up and put them back in the chair without talking. Or you might say to the child in a calm voice, “Stay in the chair until I tell you to get up.” If your child just won’t stay in the chair, you can use a time-out room. Make sure this is a room with lights and doesn’t have anything distracting or fun for the child in it. It should also be safe for the child. Some parents take fun items, like toys and electronics, out of the child’s bedroom and use it as the backup for time-out. Other parents find that the laundry room works well if all items that could be harmful are removed. If you use a separate room, stay close so you can make sure your child is not doing anything harmful or fun. If you keep doing the same thing each time your child goes to time-out, your child will learn to do time-outs the right way. Try to stay as calm as possible during time-out. With practice, you can learn to make time-out work for your family. Click here for more information on time-out.

Q: It seems like there are lots of different ways to do time-out. I’d like to give time-out a try, but I don’t like the idea of closing my child in a room. What’s the best place to use as a time-out spot?

A: Time-out is a time when children are removed from all things that are fun and interesting to them. The time-out should be as boring as possible for the child. Pick a location that has good light and space to move around. Closets are not a good location for a time-out space because they aren’t big enough and they don’t have good lighting. A time-out spot in a chair or corner will be easiest for you to watch. Try using a time-out chair, and if that doesn’t work use the child’s bedroom or another room that has had fun items removed. The important thing is to choose the location that works best for you and your child. Just remember, a time-out place is a safe space for your child that doesn’t have anything fun or interesting. Click here for more information on time-out.

Q: I have multiple children who will not leave each other alone while they’re in time-out. I end up having to try to put both children in time-out, which still doesn’t work. How can I get my children to leave each other alone while they’re in time-out without sending everyone to their rooms?

A: Siblings often provide a lot of attention when their brother or sister is in time-out. Try to get the child that is not in time-out busy with something else. That will keep them from giving attention to the child in time out. This can also show the child in time-out that he is missing out on fun when he misbehaves and show how to get positive attention from you for good behaviors. You may also want to let the child not in time-out know that if she does not follow your directions to leave her brother/sister alone, she will lose activities or get a time-out herself.

If two children are in time-out at the same time, they need to be placed so that they can’t talk to each other or give each other attention. This means that their chairs need to be far enough apart that they can’t touch or look at each other. If the children get up or turn around to look at each other, they need to be put back in the chair facing forward. If your children have their own rooms, you could also use their bedrooms for time-out if you remove all the items they like. If the children share the same room, it will work better to choose different places for time-out. Click here for more information on time-out.

Q: My 2-year-old is starting to misbehave more. She throws tantrums, refuses to eat dinner, and sometimes tries to hit me. I’d like to try time-out as a method of discipline, but I worry that she is too young to be put in time-out. Is there an age range and time limit for time-out?

A: Time-out is not right for children under 2-years-old. Even for some 2-year-olds, time-out may not be the best choice. For time-out to work, your child needs to be able to understand why she got a time-out. Ignoring or distracting your child may work better until she is old enough to understand what is happening and why. When time-out is right for your child, 1 minute of time-out for every year of age works best for most children. For example, for a 3-year-old, the time-out would be 3 minutes. Click here for more information on time-out.

Q: My 4-year-old son will find any away possible to get out of time-out. If I tell him he is going to time-out because he didn’t put his toys away like I asked, he’ll start putting the toys away. If he’s just been put in the time-out chair, he’ll tell me he needs to go to the bathroom. I feel like I’m being mean so sometimes I give in and let him out of time-out. Is there a way to stop my son from acting this way?

A: These are all things children do to get out of time-out. If you have told your child he is going to time-out, nothing he says or does should get him out of time-out, even if he does what you asked at the last minute. Once your child is in time-out, ignore everything he says or does unless he is at risk of being hurt. Children will often say they have to go to the bathroom to get out of time-out. The best idea is to ignore this. Your child may use the bathroom on himself every time he’s in time-out if he knows it will get him out of time-out sooner. If your child is just being potty trained, you can take him to the bathroom. Your eye, verbal, and physical contact should be limited to only what is needed to help him with the bathroom. After using the bathroom, take him right back to the time-out chair.

Do time-out the same way every time, and your son will learn that he can’t get out of time-out. Read about other things children do to get out of time-out here.

Six Keys to Using Time-Out

1. Explain time-out to your child before using it. Tell your child which behaviors will lead to time-out, where time-outs will happen, and how time-out will be used. Practice time-out with your child so she knows how it will work.
2. Limit time-outs with toddlers and preschoolers. Use time-out if your child does something dangerous or harmful, fails to follow a direction, or breaks a family rule. Use other types of consequences for other problem behaviors.
3. Follow the 5 steps for time-out each time you use it.
4. Select a time-out location where your child cannot get attention from anyone. The location should be away from TV, games, toys, or other things your child likes.
5. Time-out can be used anywhere. You can even use it away from home.
6. Time-outs last between 2 and 5 minutes for toddlers and preschoolers.

What is Time-Out? When should it be used?

Time-out is when your child is removed from where the misbehavior happened. Your child is away from all things that are fun. She does not get any attention in time-out. She cannot interact with her parents or anyone else.

Time-out is not used for all misbehaviors. For toddlers and preschoolers, try distraction and redirection first. There are 4 times when time-out may be a good choice:

• Your child does something dangerous
• Your child does something harmful, like hurting others.
• Your child does not follow your direction and you have given a warning.
• Your child breaks a family rule

Choose the Right Time-Out Location

• Away from toys, people, windows, TVs, radios, and anything else your child likes.
• Where no breakable things are close.
• Often at the end of a hallway. The end of a hallway is usually away from people and things your child likes. The bedroom may work for time-out if you cannot get your child to stay in the time-out space. If the bedroom is used, remove all of the things your child might enjoy.
• Use a sturdy adult-sized chair, like a wooden kitchen chair. Avoid chairs that rock, chairs that are very soft, or chairs with pictures and graphics.
  • If you don’t use a chair, you can use a blanket, cloth napkin, small mat, or designated space on the floor.

The Time-Out Warning

When your child doesn’t follow your directions give a time-out warning. The time-out warning should be stated clearly, simply, and as a statement (not as a question). State this warning in a neutral tone and follow through with the time-out every time if your child does not do as you directed. See the example below when a parent decides to use a time-out warning.

Example 1: “It’s almost time for dinner. Please put your toys away.” (Parent pauses for a few seconds and child continues to play.) The parent says to her daughter, “If you don’t put away your toys, you will have to go to time-out.” (This is the time-out warning.) The parent pauses for a few more seconds to allow the child time to follow directions. The child begins to comply. After the child has finished picking up her toys, the parent says, “Thanks for listening and putting your toys away.”

Steps for Using Time-Out:

1. Check the behavior.
2. Tell them why.
3. Have child sit in time-out.
4. End time-out.
5. Praise the next good thing your child does.

Time-Out Tips

• Explain time-out or show it to your child in a way she can understand.
• Practice time-out with your child when you are both in a good mood.
• Make sure your child knows what behavior leads to a time-out.
• Tell your child where time-outs will happen.
• Use time-out the same way every time.
• Focus on one misbehavior first.
• Time-out should happen immediately after the misbehavior.

Time-Out Locations:

Think about the following tips when you are picking a time-out spot:

• Choose a place that is away from toys, people, windows, TVs, radios, and anything else your child likes.
• If you use a separate room:
  • Remove the toys from the room
  • Make sure it is safe and your child does not have access breakable or harmful items like chemicals or detergents.
  • Do not turn off the lights during time-out and never use a closet.
  • Do not leave your young child unsupervised for long periods of time.
• Sit in the space yourself.
  Stretch out your arms and legs. If you cannot touch anything, your child will not be able to touch anything either.

The Time-Out Chair and Other Alternatives

• Use a sturdy adult-sized time-out chair that he cannot rock or move.
• Avoid chairs that rock, chairs with soft cushions, and chairs with pictures and graphics on them.
• If you don’t use a chair, you can use a blanket, cloth napkin, small mat, or designated space on the floor.
• You can also take these with you in case you need to put your child in time-out away from home.