Giving care and support during this time can be a challenge. Many caregivers put their own needs and feelings aside to focus on the person with cancer. This can be hard to maintain for a long time, and it’s not good for your health. The stress can have both physical and psychological effects. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to take care of others. It’s important for everyone that you give care to you.

Changing Roles

Whether you're younger or older, you may find yourself in a new role as a caregiver. You may have been an active part of someone's life before, but perhaps now that they're a cancer patient, the way you support them is different. It may be in a way in which you haven't had much experience, or in a way that feels more intense than before.

Even though caregiving may feel new to you now, many caregivers say that they learn more as they go through their loved one's cancer experience. Common situations that they describe:

• Patients may only feel comfortable with a spouse or partner taking care of them
• Caregivers with children struggle to take care of a parent too
• Parents may have a hard time accepting help from their adult children
• Caregivers find it hard to balance taking care of a loved one with job responsibilities
• Adult children with cancer may not want to rely on their parents for care
• Caregivers may have health problems themselves, making it physically and emotionally hard to take care of someone else

Whatever your roles are now, it’s very common to feel confused and stressed at this time. If you can, try to share your feelings with others or join a support group. Or you may choose to seek help from a counselor.

Ask for Help

Many caregivers say that, looking back, they took too much on themselves. Or they wish they had asked for help from friends or family sooner. Take an honest look at what you can and can't do. What things do you need or want to do yourself? What tasks can you turn over or share with people? Be willing to let go of things that others can help you do. Some examples may be:

• Helping with chores, such as cooking, cleaning, shopping, or yard work
• Taking care of the kids or picking them up from school or activities
• Driving your loved one to appointments or picking up medicines
• Being the contact person to keep others updated

Accepting help from others isn't always easy. But remember that getting help for yourself can also help your loved one—you may stay healthier, your loved one may feel less guilty about all the things that you're doing, some of your helpers may offer useful skills and have extra time to give you. Websites such as SignUpGenius or Lotsa Helping Hands can help you organize requests and tasks.

Be Prepared for Some People Not to Help

When someone has a serious illness such as cancer, friends and family often reach out to help. And sometimes people you don't know very well also want to give you a hand. But it's important to realize that there are others who may not be able to help you. You might wonder why someone wouldn't offer to help you or your family when you're dealing with so much. Some common reasons are:

• Some people may be coping with their own problems
• Some may not have the time
• They are afraid of cancer or may have already had a bad experience with cancer. They don't want to get involved and feel pain all over again
• Some people believe it's best to keep a distance when people are struggling
• Sometimes people don't realize how hard things really are for you. Or they don't understand that you need help unless you ask them for it directly
• Some people feel awkward because they don't know how to show they care

If someone isn't giving you the help you need, you may want to talk to them and explain your needs. Or you can just let it go. But if the relationship is important, you may want to tell the person how you feel. This can help prevent resentment or stress from building up. These feelings could hurt your relationship in the long run.

All family caregivers need support. But you may feel that your needs aren't important right now since you’re not the cancer patient. Or that there's no time left for yourself. You may be so used to taking care of someone else that it's hard for you to change focus. But caring for your own needs, hopes, and desires can give you the strength you need to carry on.

Ways to Take Care of Yourself

Taking time to recharge your mind, body, and spirit can help you be a better caregiver. You may want to think about the following:

Make Time for Yourself

• Find Time to Relax. Take at least 15-30 minutes each day to do something for yourself. For example, try to make time for a nap, exercise, yard work, a hobby, watching tv or a movie, or whatever you find relaxing. Do gentle exercises, such as stretching or yoga. Or, take deep breaths or just sit still for a minute. See Learning to Relax.
• Don't Neglect Your Personal Life. It's okay to cut back on personal activities, but do not cut them out entirely. For example, look for easy ways to connect with friends.
• Keep Up Your Routine. If you can, try to keep doing some of your regular activities. If you don't, studies show that it can increase the stress you feel. You may have to do things at a different time of day or for less time than you normally would, but try to still do them.
• Ask for Help. Find larger chunks of "off-duty" time by asking for help. Find things others can do or arrange for you, such as appointments or errands.

Understand your Feelings

Giving yourself an outlet for your own thoughts and feelings is important. Think about what would help lift your spirits. Would talking with others help ease your load? Or would you rather have quiet time by yourself? Maybe you need both, depending on what's going on in your life. It's helpful for you and others to know what you need.

You may also be able to find some comfort by reading the Feelings section of our website. See if any of them relate to you and what you can do for support.

Join a Support Group

Support groups can meet in person, by phone, or online. They may help you gain new insights into what is happening, get ideas about how to cope, and help you know that you're not alone. In a support group, people may talk about their feelings, trade advice, and try to help others who are dealing with the same kinds of issues. Some people like to go and just listen. And others prefer not to join support groups at all. Some people aren't comfortable with this kind of sharing.

If you can't find a group in your area, try a support group online. Some caregivers say websites with support groups have helped them a lot.

Learn More about Cancer

Sometimes understanding your cancer patient’s medical situation can make you feel more confident and in control. For example, you may want to know more about his type and stage of cancer. It may help you to know what to expect during treatment, such as the tests and procedures that will be done, as well as the side effects that will result.

Talk to Others about What You're Going Through

Studies show that talking with other people about what you're dealing with is very important to most caregivers. It's especially helpful when you feel overwhelmed or want to say things that you can't say to your loved one with cancer. Try to find someone you can really open up to about your feelings or fears. You're allowed to feel angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed.

You may want to talk with someone outside your inner circle. Some caregivers find it helpful to talk to a counselor, such as a social worker, psychologist, or leader in their faith or spiritual community. These types of experts may be able to help you talk about things that you don't feel you can talk about with friends or family. They can also help you find ways to express your feelings and learn ways to cope that you hadn't thought of before.

Connect with Your Loved One with Cancer

Cancer may bring you and your loved one closer together than ever before. Often people become closer as they face challenges together. If you can, take time to share special moments with one another. Try to gain strength from all you're going through together, and what you have dealt with so far. This may help you move toward the future with a positive outlook and feelings of hope.

Write in a Journal

Research shows that writing or journaling can help relieve negative thoughts and feelings. And it may actually help improve your own health. You might write about your most stressful experiences. Or you may want to express your deepest thoughts and feelings. You can also write about things that make you feel good, such as a pretty day or a kind coworker or friend.

Look for the Positive

It can be hard finding positive moments when you're busy caregiving. It also can be hard to adjust to your role as a caregiver. Caregivers say that looking for the good things in life and feeling gratitude help them feel better. And know that it's okay to laugh, even when your loved one is in treatment. In fact, it's healthy. Laughter releases tension and makes you feel better. Keeping your sense of humor in trying times is a good coping skill.

Be Thankful

You may feel thankful that you can be there for your loved one. You may be glad for a chance to do something positive and give to another person in a way you never knew you could. Some caregivers feel that they've been given the chance to build or strengthen a relationship. This doesn't mean that caregiving is easy, stress-free, or not frustrating. But finding meaning in caregiving can make it easier to manage.

Caring for Your Body

You may find yourself so busy and concerned about your loved one that you don't pay attention to your own physical health. But it's very important that you take care of your health, too. Doing so will give you strength to help others. It's important to:

• Stay up-to-date with your medical needs
  Keep up with your own checkups, screenings, and other appointments.
• Watch for signs of depression or anxiety
  Stress can cause many different feelings or body changes. But if the changes last for more than two weeks, talk to your doctor. Some caregivers realize they have become depressed and need help.
• Take your medicine as prescribed
  Ask your doctor to give you a large prescription to save trips to the pharmacy. Find out if your grocery store or pharmacy delivers.
• Try to eat healthy meals
  Eating well will help you keep up your strength. If your loved one is in the hospital or has long doctor's appointments, bring easy-to-prepare food from home. For example, sandwiches, salads, or packaged foods and canned meats fit easily into a lunch container.
• Get enough rest
  Listening to soft music or doing breathing exercises may help you fall asleep. Short naps can energize you if you aren't getting enough sleep. Be sure to talk with your doctor if lack of sleep becomes an ongoing problem.
• Exercise
  Walking, swimming, running, or bike riding are only a few ways to get your body moving. Any kind of exercise (including working in the garden, cleaning, mowing, or going up stairs) can help you keep your body healthy. Finding at least 15-30 minutes a day to exercise may make you feel better and help manage your stress.

New stresses and daily demands often add to any health problems caregivers already have. And if you're sick or have an injury that requires you to be careful, it's even more important that you take care of yourself. Here are some changes caregivers often have:

• Fatigue (feeling tired)
• Weaker immune system (poor ability to fight off illness)
• Sleep problems
• Slower healing of wounds
• Higher blood pressure
• Changes in appetite or weight
• Headaches
• Anxiety, depression, or other mood changes

It can be really tough to be away from a loved one who has cancer. You may feel like you're a step behind in knowing what is happening with his or her care. Yet even if you live far away, it's possible for you to give support and be a problem-solver and care coordinator.

Caregivers who live more than an hour away from their loved ones most often rely on the telephone or email as their communication link. But either of these methods can be rather limiting when trying to assess someone's needs. Aside from true medical emergencies, long-distance caregivers often need to judge whether situations can be dealt with over the phone or require an in-person visit.

Finding Contacts Near Your Loved One

Develop a relationship with one or two key members of the health care team, such as a social worker or patient educator. It may help you feel more at ease to have direct contact with someone involved in the medical care of your loved one. Also, many long-distance caregivers say that it helps to explore both paid and volunteer support. Ways you can do this are:

• Create a list of people who live near your loved one whom you could call day or night in a crisis or just to check in.
• Look into volunteer visitors, adult day care centers, or meal delivery services in the area.
• Make a list of websites in your loved one's area to give you quick access to resources.
• Ask if the hospital keeps visitor information packets or lists that list area agencies and contacts.
• Remember to share a list of home, work, and cell phone numbers with the health care team. You should also give this to others who are local in case of an emergency.

Other Tips

• Ask a local family member or friend to update you daily by email or text. Or, consider creating a website to share news about your loved one's condition and needs. There are a number of sites available. Examples are Caring Bridge and Lotsa Helping Hands.
• Sign up for online ways to connect with people. Programs using video and instant messaging to communicate are very common. For example, Skype and FaceTime are ways people connect from a distance.
• Airlines or bus lines may have special deals for patients or family members. The hospital social worker may also know of other resources, such as private pilots, advocacy organizations, or companies that help people with cancer and their families with transportation.
• If you're traveling to see your loved one, time your flights or drives so that you have time to rest when you return. Many long-distance caregivers say that they don't allow themselves enough time to rest after their visits.
• Consider getting a phone card from a discount store to cut down on long-distance bills. Or, review your long-distance and cell phone plans. See if you can make any changes that would reduce your bills.

It’s important for cancer caregivers to understand that even though treatment has ended, cancer survivors are still coping with a lot. Often they’re dealing with side effects from treatment and learning how to adjust to the many other changes they have gone through. They may not be returning back to normal life as soon as they had hoped.

Now What Do I Do?

Once treatment ends, most people want to put the cancer experience behind them. Still, one of the most common reactions by caregivers is to ask themselves, “Now what do I do?” They were used to having many roles, such as helping with medical care, managing household tasks, and coordinating visits and calls from friends. Many have to think about how to adjust to this “new normal.”

Until now, your focus has been on getting the patient through treatment. So it can be a time of mixed emotions - you may be happy treatment is over. But at the same time, the full impact of what you've gone through with your loved one may start to hit you.

Be Aware of Your Feelings

It's normal to have many different feelings after treatment ends. Some caregivers say that their feelings are even more intense after treatment, since they have more time to process it all.

You may be glad and relieved that your loved one is through with treatment. But you could also feel anxious because you're no longer doing something directed at fighting the cancer. You may feel a sense of sadness and loss at still seeing your friend or family member in a weakened state. This can also be a time when you feel more lonely and isolated than before.

Common feelings that you may have include:

• Missing the support you had from the patient's health care team.
• Feeling pressure to return to your old self.
• Missing being needed or being busy.
• Feeling lonely. Friends and family may go back to their daily lives, leaving you with more to do. They may not be checking in with you as they did when your loved one was getting treatment.
• Avoiding going out with others for fear of something happening to your loved one while you are gone.
• Finding it hard to relate to people who haven't been through what you have.
• Having mixed feelings as you see your loved one struggle with moodiness, depression, or loss of self-esteem.
• Worrying that any physical problem is a sign of the cancer returning. Yet at the same time, feeling thankful that this person is here and part of your life.
• Looking forward to putting more energy into the things that mean the most to you.

These feelings are all normal. You can manage them by giving yourself time to reflect on your experience with cancer. People need different amounts of time to work through the challenges that they’re facing.

Make Time for Yourself

If you've been putting your own needs aside, this may be a good time to think about how you can best care for yourself. Having some down time to recharge your mind and spirit can help you cope. You may want to think about:

• Getting back to activities that you enjoy
• Finding ways others can help you
• Finding new ways to connect with friends

For example, some caregivers feel the need to give back to others who are facing cancer. They turn their energy to helping people in their community, joining support groups, or volunteering with cancer organizations. For many, making a difference in the lives of others helps them to help themselves.

Let Others Help You

You may feel tempted to tell people that you and your loved one are doing fine and don't need help. It may be that you don't want to trouble people any longer. Chances are that both of you are tired and are still getting used to life after treatment. It may help to tell others that you're still adjusting and let them know ways they can help.

Family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers who stayed away during treatment may now be willing or able to support you. Think about what types of support would be helpful. The clearer you can be about your needs, the easier it will be to get the help you need.

However, be aware that others may not be there to help. They may feel awkward about helping or assume that you're getting back to your routine and don't need help any more. Or they may have personal reasons, such as lack of time or things going on in their own lives.

Talking with Family

Try to remember that this time after treatment is new for all. Your family members may also need time to adjust to this new chapter of life for your loved one. Some points you can make:

• Let them know that recovery may take more time than expected. Your loved one may lack energy for a while and need time to adjust to this new normal.
• Ask them to continue helping with your loved one's regular duties and tasks until he can get back to a normal routine.
• Let them know what the follow-up care will be and how your loved one will be monitored.
• Be honest about what types of support are needed from them now that treatment is over.
• Thank them for all they did during treatment.

Good communication is just as important now as it was during cancer treatment. Listening to each other, patience, and support can make a big difference.

You do many things to help take care of your loved one with cancer. Stress from these demands can cause health problems, including sleep problems and appetite changes. You may feel anxious, depressed, or even lonely. About half of caregivers don’t get enough restful, continuous sleep, making them feel tired and leading to a poor quality of life.

It’s important for you to take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Ways to Stay Physically Healthy

• Don’t use tobacco. If you smoke, try to quit. Stay away from other people’s smoke.
• Limit the amount of alcohol you drink.
• Eat lots of fruits and vegetables.
• Keep a healthy weight.
• Be physically active.
• Get enough restful sleep.
• Get health checkups regularly.
• Get a flu shot every year.
• Get the COVID-19 vaccine and any booster doses to stay up-to-date.

Ways to Stay Mentally and Emotionally Healthy

• Feeling overwhelmed? Try to arrange for respite care. Respite care is temporary care given to a person who is unable to care for himself or herself, so the person’s usual caregivers can have a break. If you’re having trouble finding someone to help, ask your loved one’s health care team about community resources.
• Reach out to family members, friends, those who share your faith, or a support group for emotional support.
• Worried about money? Many caregivers provide financial support, reduce their work hours, or even quit their job to care for their loved one. See our list of resources that may be able to help.
• Stay active. Regular physical activity can lower your risk for depression.